“回收”爸爸

by Charlene M. Burton

Growing up in the early seventies， divorce had yet to take its death grip on the nuclear family. The only child from a “broken home” that I had ever encountered in my entire elementary school education was an interesting oddity to me. My classmates seemed frightened by her， as if they might catch her condition. I had already lost my father to death， so divorce seemed irrelevant. He had been gone since I was four， and although I occasionally plotted to 1）ensnare 2）Henry Fonda as his successor， my Mom and I seemed to manage adequately on our own.

In light of my rather benign feelings on fathers and divorce， I was surprised to find that as the years progressed， I had unknowingly formulated a garish stereotype of the divorced father in my 3）subconscious. I clearly envisioned him strolling around his 4）affluent 5）digs， sporting a smoking jacket， sipping martinis. His two main objectives were avoiding 6）alimony payments and keeping his children out of his perfectly 7）coifed hair. I never once considered that this 8）caricature might have any paternal feelings or rights.

By the time I was in my mid-twenties， these scoundrels were fast becoming my co-workers and peers. This exposure forced me to rethink my misguided notions and try to look at the topic more objectively. Upon closer examination， I was startled to find that many of these men were truly wonderful fathers who suffered great anguish as a result of being unwillingly separated from their children. I had never 9）pondered the devastating consequences of losing the right to live with your offspring. Missing out on the 10）milestones of your childs life， as well as day to day living， leaves you feeling more like a visitor than a parent.

Despite popular opinion， a failed relationship does not necessarily translate into being a bad parent. Men seem to be punished for the breakup of a family. It is often in everyones best interest for an unworkable marriage to be dissolved， but that does not mean that the importance of either parent should ever be diminished.

I attributed much of my new found enlightenment to a man whom I had met through a mutual friend.

He had recently endured a 11）grueling divorce which had virtually 12）stripped him of his fatherhood. Family court had left him with a visitation schedule， a payment schedule， and a parents broken heart. Nevertheless， he was 13）relentless in his love. He spent every possible moment afforded to him， caring for and loving his daughter， often at the expense of his own comfort. He turned down everything， from 14）overtime to entertainment， that might interrupt one moment of his time with his child.

The first time I met him he had his cute blonde-haired， blue-eyed daughter close by his side. Perfectly groomed from head to toe， the only detail somewhat awry was that her baby fine hair was parted in a military fashion. “You comb her hair like a boy！” my friend teased.

“Maybe she needs a bow，” I ventured.

“Shes great just the way she is，” he announced， after giving her a quick inspection.

Our hostess finally got around to introducing us three. Jessica was a tiny female clone of her father. She eyed me 15）suspiciously and clung to her father in a protective gesture.

“My Daddy！” she proclaimed. The pained mask that shrouded her father seemed to melt away， revealing eyes that twinkled with adoration as he scooped up his precious 16）bundle into his arms.

“Its all right， baby，” he 17）soothed. Unimpressed， she continued to eye me with caution.

I had long heard from my friend what a capable， loving father he was. Time went on， and I witnessed first-hand the strong father/daughter bond they shared； an invaluable joy which I had never experienced in my own life. Their 18）unwavering love and devotion to each other was miraculous to me.

“Here，” I thought， “is a great father！” Not unlike the image of my own paternal fantasy. I halfheartedly considered him for my mother， but I found my dream Dad a few decades too late， so， I married him myself. He got his much deserved second chance. I had finally found my own Henry Fonda， plus a wonderful stepdaughter. Best of all， I get to share them both with our threeyear-old son.

我成長(zhǎng)于七十年代初，那時(shí)，離婚尚未對(duì)核心家庭產(chǎn)生嚴(yán)重的影響。整個(gè)小學(xué)階段，我僅遇到過(guò)一個(gè)來(lái)自破裂家庭的小孩，而在我看來(lái)，她是讓人好奇的異類。同學(xué)們似乎都害怕她，好像她會(huì)傳染似的。我父親已經(jīng)去世，所以離婚似乎與我無(wú)關(guān)。我四歲時(shí)，父親就去世了，雖然我偶爾會(huì)密謀想要讓亨利·方達(dá)成為我的繼父，但是我和母親相依為命，生活算是能夠自足。

因?yàn)楦赣H和離婚對(duì)我而言都是無(wú)關(guān)痛癢的概念，我驚奇地發(fā)現(xiàn)，隨著時(shí)間的推移，我不知不覺地在潛意識(shí)中對(duì)離了婚的父親產(chǎn)生一種俗氣的思維定勢(shì)。我清楚地設(shè)想他漫步于自己的豪宅，披著便服，啜飲著馬丁尼酒。他的兩大目標(biāo)是逃避贍養(yǎng)費(fèi)和讓孩子遠(yuǎn)離自己那頭梳得完美的頭發(fā)。我從不認(rèn)為這漫畫般夸張的形象能有什么父愛或者父權(quán)存在。

我二十幾歲時(shí)，這些無(wú)賴很快成為了我的同事和同輩。這種接觸使得我開始重新思考以前被誤導(dǎo)的概念，并更加客觀地去看待這個(gè)問(wèn)題。進(jìn)一步審視時(shí)，我驚訝地發(fā)現(xiàn)其實(shí)這些人中有許多是絕佳的父親，他們被迫離開自己的孩子，遭受極大的痛苦。我從未思考過(guò)，失去和兒女一同生活的權(quán)利會(huì)給他們帶來(lái)的毀滅性的后果。錯(cuò)過(guò)兒女生命成長(zhǎng)中的里程碑事件以及日常生活，使人感覺自己更像是一個(gè)過(guò)客而非父親。

即使眾口鑠金，百辭莫辯，但一段失敗的家庭關(guān)系并不意味著你就是一個(gè)糟糕的父親。男人似乎就該為家庭的破裂負(fù)全部責(zé)任。對(duì)于無(wú)法繼續(xù)的婚姻，離婚總是最好的選擇。但當(dāng)父母的，哪一方的重要性都不該被削弱。

我之所以獲得這些新啟示大部分應(yīng)該歸因于一個(gè)男人，他是我通過(guò)一個(gè)相互認(rèn)識(shí)的朋友而結(jié)識(shí)的。他剛經(jīng)歷了殘酷的離婚，這剝奪了他作為父親的權(quán)利。家庭法庭僅留給他一份探視日程表、一份付款日程表和作為父親的一顆破碎的心。雖然如此，他從未停止愛自己的孩子，他竭盡所能地照顧和關(guān)愛女兒，常常犧牲了自己的時(shí)間。他會(huì)推掉很多事情，無(wú)論是加班還是娛樂休閑，為的是陪伴女兒，一刻也耽誤不得。

我第一次與他見面，他身邊帶著可愛、金發(fā)碧眼的女兒。小女孩從頭到腳打扮得十分完美，唯一別扭的細(xì)節(jié)是她精致的秀發(fā)是以軍人的發(fā)式向兩邊分開的?！澳惆阉念^發(fā)梳得像男孩子似的！”我的朋友取笑他道。

“或許配一個(gè)蝴蝶結(jié)好點(diǎn)兒，”我試探地說(shuō)道。

“她這樣子就很好了，”他迅速地對(duì)女兒打量了一番，然后說(shuō)道。

我們的女主人最后終于抽出時(shí)間來(lái)為我們?nèi)俗鼋榻B。杰西卡完全是他父親女版、小型的克隆。她滿懷狐疑地看著我，然后以自我保護(hù)的姿態(tài)依附在爸爸的身旁。

“爸爸！”她喊道。他臉上悲傷的面具似乎隨即褪去，眼神中透露著慈愛，并把寶貝女兒抱起來(lái)。

“沒事的，寶貝，”他安慰女兒道。但是女兒仍舊不為父親的安慰所動(dòng)，保持警惕地看著我。

我一直聽朋友說(shuō)他是一位能干又慈愛的父親。隨著時(shí)間推移，我親眼見證他們之間那種親密的父女關(guān)系；這是一種我人生中從未體會(huì)過(guò)的、無(wú)價(jià)的歡樂。他們對(duì)彼此堅(jiān)定的愛和奉獻(xiàn)對(duì)于我來(lái)說(shuō)，就像奇跡般。

“這，”我想，“就是一位偉大的父親！”就像我幻想中的父親的形象。我頗有興致地考慮撮合他和我的母親，但是我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己晚了幾十年才找到理想的父親，所以，我自己嫁給了他。他得到自己應(yīng)得的第二次機(jī)會(huì)。我最終找到了自己的亨利·方達(dá)，還有一個(gè)非常棒的繼女。而最棒的是，我能夠和我們?nèi)龤q大的兒子分享這一切。