By Wu Lingyao

The Spousal Spy

By Wu Lingyao

W hen talking about extramarital affairs, everyone loves to say:“No cat doesn’t like fish, and men are no different than cats. Bad people are all the same everywhere.”

“Men who go to singles bars have one thing in common–they’re already married.”

“Men find it impossible to resist office romances, they can make money and date at the same time, and all on company time to boot!”

One woman said that she is sick of her licentious husband's never-ending love triangles. Even after being married for many years, her husband never seemed to stop ‘dating,’ the only thing was that his wife never knew who the“other she” was. At one time she was in a bad mood, she told her young housemaid, “I think my husband is cheating on me with his female secretary.” “No way!”the maid replied, “Are you telling me this on purpose to make me jealous?”

聊到婚外情，大家總愛說：

“哪個(gè)貓兒不偷腥？男人就像貓一樣，只是比貓高一點(diǎn)兒。唉，天下烏鴉一般黑?！?/p>

“在單身酒吧里的男人有一個(gè)共同特點(diǎn)，那就是他們都是已婚的。”

“男人覺得辦公室的戀情很難拒絕，可以一邊賺錢，一邊談戀愛，反正用的都是公司的時(shí)間?！?/p>

有一位女士說，她已經(jīng)厭煩了花心丈夫老纏在三角關(guān)系中，不能自拔。結(jié)婚數(shù)年，先生一直都在談戀愛，只是太太不知道“她”是誰。有一次，她心情很不好，對家里年輕的女傭說：“我懷疑先生和女秘書有染?！薄安粫?huì)吧，”女傭回答，“你是不是故意說了讓我嫉妒的？”

每個(gè)女人發(fā)現(xiàn)先生出軌的線索都不同。襯衫領(lǐng)口的唇印，來路不明的女人頭發(fā)，晚歸卻沒有好借口，午餐一吃三小時(shí)，信用卡上買的東西都沒帶回家等等，都是可疑的線索。還有太太接起就被掛的怪電話，先生電話里的聲音出奇的溫柔，說些“我好想你，我想握握你的手……”之類的話，還辯稱說是和他媽媽聊天。

在醫(yī)生診斷完畢之后，都會(huì)開列出醫(yī)囑，在此過程中需要有兩名醫(yī)生和護(hù)士來共同核對藥物數(shù)量，在藥物使用過程中還需要嚴(yán)格的執(zhí)行藥物的“七對、三查、一注意”制度，能夠明確出藥物是否得到了正確的使用，對患者進(jìn)一步加強(qiáng)負(fù)責(zé)。

我有一朋友，她說小時(shí)候放學(xué)回家都在當(dāng)偵探，在紙屑簍里翻翻，就知道自己上學(xué)時(shí)，媽媽給在家的妹妹什么好東西吃，自己也可以據(jù)理力爭，爭回點(diǎn)兒好處。媽媽不在家時(shí)，她可以從她是穿了拖鞋還是皮鞋外出，來研究她走多遠(yuǎn)，會(huì)不會(huì)回來做飯。憑著從小訓(xùn)練出來的偵探才華，她認(rèn)為每件事都有線索可尋。

“這個(gè)電話一直響了23聲沒有人接，那他一定在家?！?/p>

不知道這是什么邏輯，怪不得有人感嘆說，男人花了幾千年發(fā)展出來的一套邏輯觀念，女人能在幾分鐘之內(nèi)破壞無遺，但氣人的是，常常是她對。

“他看到我那么高興，那么殷勤，一定是另外有別的女人?！?/p>

“他忘了系領(lǐng)帶，一定是……”

似乎每件小事都逃不過她的慧眼，雖然沒有學(xué)過科學(xué)辯證法，卻又料事如神。不需指紋分析、化學(xué)實(shí)驗(yàn)、測謊儀，卻能用手邊的工具來做偵測的器材，借助一本電話簿、煙蒂、手帕，她都能找到證據(jù)來證明她的想法。

（摘自《幽默女人麻辣燙》中國長安出版社）

The clues discovered to expose a husband’s unfaithfulness are different for every woman. Lipstick on a shirt collar, unidentifiable woman’s hair, returning home late without a good excuse, a lunch that lasts three hours, credit card expenses for things that never seem to be taken home are all suspicious clues. Calls hung up when the phone is picked up by the wife, the husband’s voice turning exceptionally tender in the phone, saying things like, “I miss you, I want to hold your hand……”and then defending himself saying it was his mother on the other end.

A friend of mine said when she was little she would go home after school and pretended that she was a detective. Rummaging through the trashcan, she could know that when she was away at school her mom had given her little sister something good to eat and wanted good grounds to argue on, hoping that she could gain some “rewards”. When her mom wasn’t at home she would look to see if she had worn her sandals or leather shoes to figure out how far she was going and whether she would be coming home to make dinner or not. Based on those detective skills that she developed, she reckoned that there are threads to pull at for everything.“I phoned him and heard the phone ring twenty-three times in a row and no one picked up, he’s definitely at home.”

I’m not sure what kind of logic that is, and it is no wonder that people lament saying that men have spent thousands of years working on a set of logical concepts only to be broken by women within a few minutes, and most annoyingly, the woman is often right.

“He’s that happy to see me and so attentive, he must have a woman on the side.”

“He forgot to tie his tie, it must be that……”

Seemingly nothing could get past her ‘a(chǎn)ll seeing eyes,’ she seems to foretell the future like a god. She has no need for fingerprint analysis, chemical experiments, or lie detectors.He is able to turn the tools beside her into detection

equipment—taking clues from a phone book, a cigarette butt, or a handkerchief—everything becomes the evidence needed to prove her point.

Later she married, and in the clues and traces she realized that her husband was having an affair, but weirdly enough this time she didn’t go investigating herself, instead she hired a detective, saying, “I’m hiring you to follow my husband and that woman night and day. The most important thing is to find out what that woman sees in him, because I can’t see it.”

(From Witty Women’s Hot Pot, China Chang’an Press. Translated: Sam Bowden)

女人:天生的偵探

文 |吳玲瑤