By Qiu Yin

After David graduated from Pennsylvania State University and settled down to work,he began to receive bills of tuition loans from the university.Penn State has been labeled one of the “Public Ivies,” and has the highest in-state tuition rates among comparable institutions nationwide.David earned a decent amount of money at that time,so he wanted to foot the bill by himself.Yet,David’s father took the bills away and told him,“These are my bills.I’ll pay.As parents,we are obliged to pay for your tuition.”

By contrast,after David’s elder brother graduated from a costly private university,he stayed home for a while,yet his parents asked him to pay a rent.Therefore,it is evident that the matter is not about money,but responsibility.Jewish parents are willing to pay for their children’s education,but they won’t tolerate their children being dependent on them.In this regard,Jewish parents are not mean,they simply have principles in cultivating their children.

“My mom teaches us to cook,so we can live on our own.But she holds back a few tricks up her sleeve,so we won’t be too independent to get married,” said David.

As David’s parents were hitting old age and were unable to endure the cold climate in New York,they moved to Florida,also known as the Sunshine State.When they got older,David’s mother contracted a serious disease,so she hired a nanny to cook the meals and look after her,and his father also helped.Slowly,the burden became too much for his father,and David had to fly to the South to visit both of them from time to time.In order to save the trouble of commuting,he tried to persuade his parents to move to Atlanta,and live with him,so it’d be easier for him to look after them.But his parents declined the offer as they didn’t want to lay a burden on him.So,David asked his siblings to talk it over with his parents.

大衛(wèi)離開(kāi)學(xué)校開(kāi)始工作后，收到賓夕法尼亞州立大學(xué)寄來(lái)的學(xué)費(fèi)貸款賬單。賓大屬于公立常春藤系統(tǒng)，學(xué)費(fèi)非常昂貴。大衛(wèi)的收入不錯(cuò)，他要自己支付這筆賬單。但大衛(wèi)的爸爸爾尼搶過(guò)賬單，對(duì)兒子說(shuō)：“這是我的賬單，由我來(lái)付。付學(xué)費(fèi)是父母的責(zé)任?！?/p>

相反，大衛(wèi)的哥哥從昂貴的私立大學(xué)畢業(yè)后，回家和父母住了一段時(shí)間，當(dāng)時(shí)，父母就向大兒子收取房租。從這里可以看出，不是錢(qián)的問(wèn)題，而是責(zé)任問(wèn)題。猶太父母愿意為子女支付昂貴的大學(xué)學(xué)費(fèi)，但不容孩子不獨(dú)立。這一點(diǎn)，猶太父母分得清清楚楚，而非小氣。

“我的媽媽教我們烹飪，就是要我們有獨(dú)立生存的能力。但她又不把全部的烹飪本事教給我們，就是要避免我們因?yàn)樘?dú)立而不肯結(jié)婚。”大衛(wèi)說(shuō)。

大衛(wèi)的父母老了，熬不過(guò)紐約的寒冷氣候，就搬到陽(yáng)光州佛羅里達(dá)定居。年紀(jì)更老時(shí)，大衛(wèi)的媽媽患了嚴(yán)重的疾病，聘請(qǐng)了一個(gè)人做飯兼看護(hù)，他的爸爸也要承擔(dān)一些照護(hù)工作。后來(lái)，大衛(wèi)的爸爸不堪負(fù)荷，大衛(wèi)又得常往南飛去探視父母，這增加他工作上的困擾。于是，大衛(wèi)試圖說(shuō)服父母搬到亞特蘭大，方便讓他就近照顧。父母不想增加兒子的負(fù)擔(dān)，拒絕了他的請(qǐng)求，大衛(wèi)因此懇請(qǐng)?zhí)媒銈儺?dāng)說(shuō)客，去說(shuō)服他的父母。

After a lot of persuading,they finally agreed to move to Atlanta,but insisted on renting an apartment close to where their son lived.“I have a vacant room for you in my apartment.You can just move in and stay with me,” David told them.

“Well,that’s not a good idea,my son.You should have your own life,and we should have ours.It is good enough that we can live near each other.”

Later,his mother’s disease worsened.She felt she’d rather move into the nursing home to stay with other Jewish seniors than living with her own son.“My son,you should have your own life.I don’t want to be a burden to you,” said her mother as usual.

“Whenever I received a call from my parents,be it day or night,I’d hit the road immediately.Sometimes,I’d also ask my manager for a leave to look after them,” said David.

David is not alone in being a filial child.Eugenia is a Jewish friend of mine from the synagogue,and she is a teacher.She’d never miss a Sunday without taking her dad to the synagogue in a wheelchair.

“Jewish parents do not accept money from their children.Generally,they will make a sound financial plan well ahead of time.Jewish parents are proud,so to speak,and they have a high self-esteem.They want to be independent even when they grow old.Independence means freedom.A life without freedom is like slavery.You know,Jewish people were enslaved in Egypt,so freedom means a lot to Jews,” said David in a natural and sincere tone.

“But don’t they need help from their children?” I asked.

“Of course,they’d love to receive a call from their children,so they can chitchat and catch up on each other,and they like their children to help them with some trivial matters,like fixing something up.It’ll make them happy.Whenever I helped my dad fix his computer,he was always glad that his son had the ability to help him,” said David.

After David’s mother passed away,he picked up his dad from the nursing home every Sunday night to chat with him and have meals together.He kept the routine going for six years.Before checking out at the restaurant,David’s father always insisted on paying for his own bill,so there were always two credit cards presented to the waiter.

“Honor thy father and thy mother” is the fifth commandment of the Ten Commandmentsin Judaism.According to Halakha,the Jewish laws,it is a deadly sin not to honor your parents,which comes after honoring God.Therefore,unlike Chinese parents,Jewish parents are neither the sovereign rulers in the family,nor do they hold a prominent position.Moreover,this commandment should not only include birth parents,but also stepparents.

To top it all off,Jewish parents are lifelong learners.Most of the Jewish seniors I know read books every day even if they hit their nineties,and they deserve our respect and admiration.Having parents so diligent and self-disciplined,how could it be that the young Jews live off their parents? According to Jewish law,after attending the coming of age ritual,young Jews will become accountable for their actions.How is it possible that people who are responsible for themselves leech off their parents?

(FromTruth:Jews Are Not What You Think,International Cultural Publishing Company.Translation:Zhu Yaguang)

好不容易，大衛(wèi)的父母搬到亞特蘭大，他們卻堅(jiān)持在兒子當(dāng)時(shí)住的一間公寓附近租房。大衛(wèi)對(duì)他們說(shuō)：“我家有房間給你們，搬入我家就行了?！?/p>

“喔，不！兒子，你應(yīng)當(dāng)有自己的生活，我們也該有我們的。能就近照顧，已經(jīng)很好了?！?/p>

再后來(lái)，大衛(wèi)的媽媽病情更嚴(yán)重了，但她寧可搬入很多猶太老人住的“老人之家”，也不肯和兒子同住。他的媽媽還是那句話：“兒子，你該有自己的生活，我不能拖累你。”

“只要我的父母電話一來(lái)，我就立刻上路，不管是白天還是晚上。有時(shí)候，我就向上司請(qǐng)假去照顧父母?！贝笮l(wèi)說(shuō)。

同樣很孝順的還有尤琴尼亞，她在教書(shū)，是我教會(huì)里的猶太朋友。每個(gè)星期天，她一定推著坐在輪椅上的爸爸來(lái)教會(huì)。

“猶太父母不接受子女給他們錢(qián)。他們通常很早就做了完善的財(cái)務(wù)規(guī)劃，不需要向子女伸手。可以說(shuō)，猶太父母是很驕傲的，有很強(qiáng)的自尊心，覺(jué)得就算老了也要獨(dú)立。不獨(dú)立，就不自由。而不自由，就好像是奴隸一樣。你知道，猶太人曾經(jīng)在埃及當(dāng)奴隸430年，因此，自由對(duì)猶太人而言是非常重要的?！贝笮l(wèi)說(shuō)得很自然，一點(diǎn)也不矯情。

“可是，猶太父母都不需要子女幫忙嗎？”我不解地問(wèn)。

“猶太父母喜歡子女常打電話噓寒問(wèn)暖和聊天，也喜歡子女幫他們做點(diǎn)小事，例如什么東西壞了，幫他們修理一下，他們會(huì)很開(kāi)心。我每次幫爸爸修電腦，他總是很高興我是他的兒子，而且有這個(gè)能力幫助父母?！?/p>

大衛(wèi)的媽媽過(guò)世后，每個(gè)星期天晚上，大衛(wèi)一定到養(yǎng)老院接爸爸，一同上餐館用餐、聊天。6年了，沒(méi)有間斷。結(jié)賬時(shí)，大衛(wèi)的爸爸堅(jiān)持要付自己的賬單。每次結(jié)賬時(shí)，總是兩張信用卡同時(shí)遞給服務(wù)生。

“孝敬父母”是猶太人《十誡》中的第五誡，在猶太人的律法中，孝敬父母排在敬仰上帝之后，不孝敬父母是死罪一條。因此，猶太父母和華人父母相比，既不權(quán)威，也不高高在上。孝敬父母不只限于生身，繼父、繼母都在列。

可貴的是，猶太父母是終生學(xué)習(xí)者。我所認(rèn)識(shí)的猶太老者，即便到了九十幾歲，還是每天讀書(shū)，值得我們敬佩。父母都那么勤讀，子女怎么可能啃老呢？舉行過(guò)成年禮就意味著要為自己負(fù)責(zé)，而為自己負(fù)責(zé)的人，怎么可能啃老？

（摘自《本來(lái)：猶太人和你想的不一樣》 國(guó)際文化出版公司）