劉繼華

劉教授：

您好！

我是寧波象山一中學(xué)的學(xué)生，我寫了兩篇英語作文，煩請您抽空幫我批改指導(dǎo)一下。不勝感謝！

余遼

一、英語書信寫作

【寫作任務(wù)】

假如你是李華，你的外國朋友來信詢問你?！坝⒄Z角”的建設(shè)進(jìn)度，請你給他回信。內(nèi)容包括：（1）告知進(jìn)度;（2）詢問建議;（3）期待回信。要求：（1）詞數(shù)80左右;（2）可適當(dāng)增加細(xì)節(jié)，使行文連貫。

【原文】

Dear Herry⑴

Thank you for your concern about our progress in organizing an⑵English Corner. I’d like to share something with you.

Delightedly， we’ve gotten enough English reading materials⑶ with fruitful themes⑷， which may be a good channel for students to broaden their horizon. Another up-lifting⑸ thing is that all the staff have been ready⑹ for their work⑺ since yesterday. However， we can’t decide which style the decoration⑻ should be. So⑼ would you mind giving us an idea on how to cater ⑽students’taste？

Looking forward to your reply.

Yours，

Li Hua

【劉教授批注】

（1）這個名字有點怪。至少我好像沒有看到過。一般都是Harry。名字上，實在吃不準(zhǔn)的，不如用一個大家都認(rèn)識的，如Jack、Tom之類。另，稱呼后面丟了標(biāo)點。這個標(biāo)點，英文一般都用逗號。

（2）他既然來信詢問“英語角”的事，那么，“英語角”就應(yīng)該是他知道、你也知道的事，而且前面的信中肯定已經(jīng)提到，所以此處應(yīng)該是特指，用the，而不用an。

（3）一般來說，抽象意義上的“材料”用不可數(shù)（如reading material），具體意義上的用可數(shù)（如building materials）。雖然如今這個詞的用法比過去寬松不少，但我們還是嚴(yán)謹(jǐn)一些為好。

（4）什么是fruitful themes？看不太明白。主題是有收獲或有結(jié)果的，這是什么意思？fruitful與themes搭配上有問題。如果是rich themes，主題豐富，大家還能明白。不知道你這里想要說的是什么。詞匯學(xué)習(xí)，在寫作中的應(yīng)用，一定要注意搭配。

（5）意思不清。這個thing是要lift up什么？沒有語境，意義就無法依附了。

（6）ready是一個狀態(tài)，have been ready實際意思就等于這種狀態(tài)已經(jīng)有過了，也就是已經(jīng)過去了，那么意義就不對了。這種完成體，應(yīng)該用動作動詞，不應(yīng)該用狀態(tài)動詞或表示狀態(tài)的其他詞（如ready這樣的形容詞）。如果想用ready，那么，這個句子建議改為we are ready（后面的since yesterday同時刪去）。

（7）What work？也是因為語境的問題，意義不清。

（8）沒有限定，搞不清楚是什么東西的decoration，不妥。如果是the decoration of the English Corner room就清楚了。語言運用一定要注意其限制因素。

（9）此處so可刪。

（10）動詞用法錯誤。查一下詞典就知道了。

劉教授點評：

全文92個詞，符合詞數(shù)要求?；匦艃?nèi)容總體齊全，語言通順流暢，也有一定主次重點，應(yīng)該說還是不錯的。問題主要有兩點：

1.詞匯意義不是很清楚，詞匯搭配不正確，如fruitful themes，up-lifting等。

2.對語境制約因素關(guān)注不夠，如the decoration，up-lifting等。

針對這兩個問題，建議：

1.平時詞匯學(xué)習(xí)一定要注意弄清其具體意義和搭配，不可僅依據(jù)自己腦子里的漢語意義來“翻譯”。

2.寫作一定要注意語境，在什么樣的語境下才有什么樣的語言用法。脫離語境的語言是很危險的。

二、故事續(xù)寫

【寫作任務(wù)】

閱讀下面短文，根據(jù)所給情節(jié)進(jìn)行續(xù)寫，使之構(gòu)成一個完整的故事。

Once there was a slave named Androcles， who was so badly treated by his master that he resolved to run away from him. He therefore secretly left his master’s house and hid himself in a forest， some miles distant from the city.

After wandering about for some time， he came to a large cave， and overcome by hunger and tiredness， he lay down in it， and soon fell fast asleep.

He was suddenly awakened by the roar of a wild beast; a great lion stood right at the mouth of the cave. There was no way he could escape！

Androcles expected nothing else than to be at once torn to pieces， but to his great surprise， the lion came gently towards him， without showing any signs of anger. It gave forth a low and mournful （悲哀的） sound， as if it were begging for his assistance. As the lion approached him， he noticed that one of its feet was swollen.

He then went up to the lion， took hold of the wounded paw （爪子）， and examined it as a surgeon would examine a patient. He was not long in finding out the cause of the swelling; for he saw in the ball of the foot a very large thorn （刺）. The slave pulled out the thorn， and pressed out of the wound a quantity of matter， which gave the lion immediate relief.

Then， the lion began to show his gratitude by every means in his power. He jumped about like a playful spaniel （西班牙獵犬）， wagged his great tail， and licked the hands and feet of his physician. From that moment Androcles became his guest; the lion always shared his prey.

The slave continued to live like this for several months. At length， wandering carelessly through the woods， he was seized by a company of soldiers who were sent by the master to search for him.

注意：

1.所續(xù)寫短文的詞數(shù)應(yīng)為150個左右;

2.至少使用5個短文中標(biāo)有下畫線的關(guān)鍵詞語;

3.續(xù)寫部分分為兩段，每段的開頭語已為你寫好;

4.續(xù)寫完成后，請用下畫線標(biāo)出你所使用的關(guān)鍵詞語。

【原文】

Paragraph 1：

He was sentenced to be torn by a lion in the public arena （競技場）. On that day， Androcles stood in the middle of the arena calmly awaiting his fate. _________________________________

Paragraph 2：

However， the lion didn’t act as most had imagined. __________________________________

He was sentenced to be torn by a lion in the public arena⑴ When the time for his destruction came， Androcles stood in the middle of the arena calmly waiting for his fate⑵. Presently ⑶a dreadful yell ⑷was heard， which made the auidience⑸ start to tremble⑹. A huge lion then sprang out of a cage， and darted forward upon its victim ⑺with flaming eyes and gaping jaws. It⑻ stopped， eyes staring at the poor slave. Then came a thunder ⑼applause.? Appar-

ently

the audience in the arena were⑽ waiting for some blood⑾.

However， the lion didn’t act as most had imagined. Instead of spring upon the man， and tearing⑿ him to pieces， it gently licked Androcles like a dog！ The governor of the city ordered Androcles to explain how the fierce beast， in a moment， become⒀ as harml-

ess as a lamb. Androcles told his adventures in the forest. The audience was so delighted with his story that they begged the governor to pardon Androcles. This is he did⒁， and he also offered Androcles the lion which⒂had twice spared his life⒃

【劉教授批注】

（1）你是把段首語抄下來了。但怎么會把句號抄丟呢？要仔細(xì)??！

（2）為什么這句和題目所給段首語不同？when the time for his destruction came這樣的句子是非常好的，但這個段首語與題目所給不符，會給很多閱卷老師造成困惑。好在正式考試的時候，是直接在段首語后面接寫，你不會再將段首語抄一遍的。

（3）presently后最好用逗號。

（4）獅子叫，用yell，不妥。roar比較妥當(dāng)。bellow也可以。以roar最為合適。yell是（一般是人）大聲（經(jīng)常是兇狠地）喊叫。動物不會喊叫，除非是童話故事或動畫片。

（5）audience拼寫錯誤。

（6）動作表示害怕的心情，不錯。

（7）這種詞用得非常好。

（8）原文都用的he，應(yīng)與原文保持一致，用he。

（9）這是名詞，不是形容詞。詞性錯誤。

（10）此處觀眾只有一群，audience用單數(shù)，此處be動詞也以was為好。

（11）好！這種metonymy的用法，非常不錯！

（12）a. of是介詞，后面跟賓語，所以必須是springing;b. springing...and tearing...兩個動作并列在一起，and前不能用逗號。

（13）時態(tài)錯誤。如果是現(xiàn)在時態(tài)，則數(shù)也錯。應(yīng)該是had become。

（14）結(jié)構(gòu)錯，時態(tài)錯。應(yīng)該是This was what he did。用this作主位，很好。它是舊信息。這樣的句子讀起來就是順。

（15）如果你前面用he來稱呼獅子，則這里可以用who。如果用it，那么which沒有問題。

（16）缺句號。

劉教授點評：

你自己寫的內(nèi)容是159個詞。詞數(shù)合適。

故事情節(jié)設(shè)計出乎意料而又合乎情理，與原文契合度也很高，非常好。

描述總體上較為具體、生動，tremble， victim， some blood等的用法不但正確，而且精到生動，可圈可點。

語言運用上，能很好地應(yīng)用主位推進(jìn)模式，語言流暢，文氣連貫，相當(dāng)不錯。

需要注意的地方有三個：

1.粗心之處須改正。標(biāo)點丟失或錯用的問題不少;用了關(guān)鍵詞卻一個都沒有畫線;個別單詞的拼寫和派生形式錯誤;等等，這些問題本來是不應(yīng)該出現(xiàn)的。

2.語法正確度須提高。語法，尤其是句法上的問題還存在。其實，不是你不懂這些語法知識，可是在使用上有時可能失了照顧，也就是我們通常講的competence沒有問題，performance上出問題。以后要有意識地將所學(xué)用出來。

3.詞匯意義的理解應(yīng)更準(zhǔn)確。如對yell，audience這些詞的理解還沒有完全到位，造成了使用錯誤。

針對這些問題，建議你：

1.一定要細(xì)致，尤其是寫完后檢查時。

2.語法上，除平時多注意語法結(jié)構(gòu)的分析外，更重要的是在寫作時對自己做好monitor的工作，就是自我監(jiān)控（一邊寫一邊根據(jù)句子的六種主要結(jié)構(gòu)以及其他元素關(guān)系問自己是否正確），寫完后還要著重檢查每個句子的語法正確性。

3.詞匯學(xué)習(xí)一定要了解每個詞的英文意義，不能只管中文譯義（也就是意義的翻譯）。這樣才能真正理解詞匯。除此之外，還要了解每個詞的搭配等。

另，《英國語文》第4冊第26課有此故事原文（https：//3g.en8848.com.cn/kt/jingdianjiaocheng/yingguoyuwen3/268423.html），你不妨找來看看，對比一下，它哪些地方比自己寫得好。