Dear Agony Ayi，

I need to make some money， fast. Can you help？

Signed，

Broke Girl in Beijing

Have you tried becoming a 小姐 （xi2oji0， prostitute）？

A lot of Weibo scandals with government officials have surfaced lately， and I hear there is money to be made. Of course， I cant be seen to be supporting 特殊服務(wù)業(yè) （t-sh$ f%w&y-， the special service industry）； but， once youve made a bit of money， you can oust these 老嫖 （l2opi1o， old"johns"） and 腐敗大佬 （f^b3i d3l2o， powerful， corruptible men） for the good of the motherland. You can make the 中國夢(mèng) （Zh4nggu5m-ng， Chinese Dream） a reality by being a 狐貍精 （h%lij～ng， fox spirit， seductive woman）.

Dear Agony Ayi，

I have worked in the same position for 13 years， and the elderly person above me just wont retire. Its hard to fi nd work， and I need a promotion. What should I do？

Signed，

Working and Waiting

Ah， yes， of course. Your boss is a 老不死的 （l2ob&s@de， an old person who clogs up the ladder of advancement）， and there are two ways to deal with it. First， stop being a 孬種（n`ozh6ng， coward）， forever waiting for your boss to retire. Try tricking him. Start referencing conversations you never had； make him think he is going 老糊涂 （l2oh%tu）. Hell retire soon enough. The second solution is thus： For a price， I know a pig farm just north of here.

Dear Agony Ayi，

Im a foreigner with a baby， and every old woman I meet tries to tell me how to raise my own kid. What should I do？

Sincerely， Dangerous Dad

You tell them 關(guān)你屁事 （gu`n n@ p#sh#， its none of your business） and walk away. A lot of these 老太婆 （l2ot3ip5， old hags） have nothing better to do with their day. Also， you could just ask them about their children； theres a saying in China： 狗拿耗子，多管閑事（g6u n1 h3ozi， du4 gu2n xi1nsh#， a dog catching mice meddles in catsbusiness）. If you find out their child is some sort of deviant， then you can throw it back in their face. But… then again… you are a 蠻夷 （m1ny！， foreign barbarian）. So， just bring your baby around and I will show you how it is done.