雪孩子

by Eowyn Ivey

烏蕪 譯

雪孩子

The Snow Child

by Eowyn Ivey

烏蕪 譯

S he woke to the breaking of twigs and the flash of fre in the darkness, and for a moment she thought she was home and had nodded off in front of the woodstove. That wasn’t right, though. It was too dark, too cold. Her body ached, and she couldn’t move. Something bound her. It was heavy and smelled familiar. Like home. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw movement in front of the fre. A fgure bending over, putting something to the fames. Then breaking something over a knee, then more flames. The fgure turned toward her, blocking the light.

“Mabel? Are you awake?”

She couldn’t speak. Her jaw seemed sealed, the muscles stiff. She tried to nod, but it hurt.

Everything hurt.

“Mabel? It’s me—Jack. Can you hear me?” And he was beside her, kneeling, brushing her hair back from her face.

“Are you warmer? I’ve got the fre going good now. You feel it?”

Jack. She could smell him, the scent of cut wood and wool. He reached around her, pressing at her sides like he was tucking a child into bed, and she knew why she felt bound. She was wrapped in blankets. She was confused again. Was she home, in her own bed? But the air was so cold and stirring slightly, and overhead there were branches and beyond them a sky so black and full of stars.

Stars? Where had they all come from, like bits of ice?

聽到樹枝被折斷的聲音，看到黑暗中的火光，她醒了過來。有一瞬間，她以為自己在家里的柴火灶前打盹。但不是。周圍太黑太冷了。她身上很痛，無法動彈。有什么東西束縛著她，很沉，有一股熟悉的味道。家的味道。她眼角一瞥，看到火堆前有人影晃動。有個人彎下身子，往火堆放入某樣東西，然后不知用膝蓋折斷了什么，火旺了起來。那個人向她走了過來，擋住了火光。

“梅布爾？你醒了嗎？”

她說不出話。她的下巴好像被封住了，肌肉僵硬。她試圖點頭應答，但感到很痛。

全身都痛。

“梅布爾？是我——杰克。你聽得到我說話嗎？”他跪在她身邊，幫她把蓋在臉上的頭發(fā)捋到后面。

“你現(xiàn)在感覺暖和點了嗎？我把火生好了。感覺到了嗎？”

是杰克。她能聞到他身上的味道，木柴以及羊毛的氣味。他抱住她，緊摟她身子兩邊，就像在哄孩子睡覺一樣。她知道為什么自己會有束縛感了。她被裹在了毯子里面。她再次感到很迷惑。她在家嗎，在自己的床上嗎？但周圍的空氣很冷，有微微的風聲，他們的頭上是樹枝，透過樹枝，她看到了漆黑的夜空中繁星一片。

星星？像一粒粒雪花的星星，它們來自哪里？

《雪孩子》是美國女作家伊玟歐·艾維（Eowyn Ivey）的小說處女作，該書情節(jié)設計巧妙，敘事引人入勝，文筆優(yōu)美，帶有自然主義和神秘主義色彩，獲得了2013年的普利策小說獎提名。故事背景設置在1920年的阿拉斯加州，講述了一對老夫婦Mabel與Jack因失去了剛出生的孩子，心里一直帶著抹不去的傷痕，多年來一直過著痛苦的生活。為了遠離傷心地，他們搬到了荒涼的阿拉斯加州，希望能開啟新的生活。但阿拉斯加州的生活遠比他們預料的要困難，他們的處境并沒有因遷居而有所改善，反而更加艱難。然而，在初雪來臨當晚，他們一起堆了一個雪人。第二天雪人消失了，一個神秘的小女孩Faina出現(xiàn)在他們的屋子外面。她的出現(xiàn)給老夫婦的生活注入了新的希望，老夫婦最終也在阿拉斯加這塊大陸獲得新生，收獲了友誼、親情以及積極的人生態(tài)度。

本期節(jié)選了《雪孩子》的精彩片段，F(xiàn)aina不愿留宿在老夫婦家里，所以離開了。Mabel一直認為Faina是由她與Jack所堆的雪人幻化成的，所以并不擔心。但Jack告訴她Faina其實是個孤兒，獨自一人生活在深山里，Mabel因此與Jack發(fā)生了爭吵。Mabel因擔心Faina而在深夜外出尋找她，卻受傷昏迷了……

“Jack?” It was only a whisper, but he heard. He had turned his back, to go to the fre, but he returned to her side.

“Jack? Where are we?”

She heard him clear his throat, maybe the beginning of a cough, and then, “It’s all right. This is going to be all right. Let me get that fre bigger, and you’ll warm.”

When he stood, hunched beneath the branches, and moved away from her, his body blocked the light and heat of the fre. Mabel closed her eyes. She’d done something wrong. He was angry with her. It came back to her the way grief does, slowly. She remembered the child, the snow, the night.

“How did you fnd me?”

He was feeding the fre, building it higher and higher until she could see his face and feel its heat.

“I don’t know.”

“Where are we? Are we far from home?”

“I don’t precisely know that either.” He must have expected this to frighten her, because then he said, “It’s going to be fne, Mabel. We’re just going to have to rough it here for a few more hours. Then light’ll come, and we’ll fnd our way.”

His voice faded. Mabel drifted, sank into the warmth, and it was like a childhood fever, dreamlike and nearly comforting.

“杰克？”她的聲音很小，但他聽到了。他本來已經(jīng)轉(zhuǎn)身向火堆走了過去，但他又回到了她身邊。

“杰克？我們在哪兒？”

她聽到他清了清嗓子，也許是想要咳嗽，然后他說：“沒事，不會有事的。我去把火燒旺點，你的身子就會暖起來了。”

他站了起來，從樹枝下彎腰走過，離她越來越遠，他的身子擋住了光線和火的熱氣。梅布爾閉上了眼睛。她做錯了事情。他在生她的氣。痛苦再次緩緩向她襲來。她記起了那個孩子，那場雪，那個夜晚。

“你怎么找到我的？”

他正在添火，讓火越燒越大，直至她能看到他的臉，感受到熱氣。

“我不知道?！?/p>

“我們在哪里？離家遠嗎？”

“我也不是很確定?！彼隙ㄏ氲竭@樣說嚇到她了，所以他又說道：“一切都會好起來的，梅布爾。我們只要在這里熬幾個小時就好。等天亮了，我們就能找到路了。”

他的聲音漸漸變小。梅布爾思緒飄遠，沉浸在溫暖中，感覺像小時候發(fā)燒一樣，宛若身在夢中，甚至讓人感到安心。

“Can you sit up?” Jack held a1)canteen. She wondered how long she had slept. Beyond the fire it was still dark.

“I think so.” He grasped her around the shoulders and helped her to sit. When she reached for the canteen, the blanket fell open to reveal her bare arm. She was naked.

“Careful. Don’t let that loose,” he said.

“My clothing? Why on earth…”

He pointed toward the fre where her dress hung from a branch, along with her undergarments.

Closer to the fire, her boots were propped open near the fames.

“There was no other way,” he said, almost as if apologizing.

She tried not to2)gulp the water, but to take small sips.“Thank you.”

“Sometimes I could hear you calling my name,” he said. “I thought I heard you in the brush, but it was just a cow moose and her calf. Then I tripped over the lantern, and I knew you had to be nearby.”

Jack went to the fire. He took down her dress and shook it out.

“It stopped snowing,” he said as he crawled under the tree with her. He groaned softly as he leaned against the trunk and put his arm around her. She thought of his barely mended back.

Mabel leaned her head against his chest. “How does she do it?”

“你可以坐起來嗎？”杰克拿著一個水壺。她想知道自己睡了多久。火光之外的地方仍是一片黑暗。

“應該可以?！彼ブ募绨?，扶著她坐了起來。當她伸手去拿水壺時，她身上的毯子滑了下來，露出了她光裸的手臂。她身上沒穿衣服。

“小心。別讓它滑下來。”他說道。

“我的衣服呢？為什么……”

他指了指火堆那邊，她的裙子被掛在了一根樹枝上，還有她的內(nèi)衣。

她的靴子離火堆更近，被解開立在火焰旁。

“沒有其他方法了?！彼越醯狼傅恼Z氣說道。

她盡量不大口灌水，而是一小口一小口地喝?！爸x謝。”

“有時我好像聽到你在叫我的名字?！彼f?！拔液孟衤牭侥愕穆曇魪墓嗄緟怖飩鱽?，但那只是一頭母麋鹿和她的幼崽。然后我被燈籠絆倒了，我就知道你肯定在附近?！?/p>

杰克走到了火堆那邊，把她的裙子拿下來，大力抖了抖。

“雪停了?！彼呎f邊爬進樹底下，待在她身邊。當他靠在樹干上，用手臂環(huán)抱著她時，他發(fā)出了輕輕的呻吟聲。她想起了他受傷未愈的背部。

梅布爾把頭擱在他的胸膛上。“她是怎么過活的？”

He didn’t answer at frst, and Mabel wondered if he understood her question.

“She’s got something different about her,” he said fnally. “She might not be a snow fairy, but she knows this land. Knows it better than anyone I’ve ever met.”

She3)cringed at the words “snow fairy,” but knew there was no4)malice in it.

“I can’t imagine, spending every night out here. How could you let her…I’m not angry anymore. It’s not that. But why didn’t you worry about her? She’s just a little child.”

He kept his eyes to the campfre. “When she didn’t come back in the spring, I went up to the mountains looking for her. I was sick with worry. I thought I’d made a terrible mistake, and that we’d lost her.”

“I can’t bear the thought of something happening to her,” Mabel said. “She may be lovely and brave and strong, but she’s just a little girl. And with her father dead…she’s out here all alone. If something were to happen to her, we would be to blame, wouldn’t we?”

Jack nodded. He put his arms around her again. “It’s true,” he said.

“I just don’t think I could stand it. Not again. Not after…” She expected Jack to5)shush her, to pull away, to go back to the fre, but he didn’t.

“I’ve always regretted that I didn’t do more,” she said. “Not that we could have saved that one. But that I didn’t do more. That I didn’t have courage enough to hold our baby and see it for what it was.”

She turned to look up into his face.

“Jack. I know it’s been so long. My God, ten years now. But tell me that you said a proper goodbye. Tell me you said a prayer over its grave. Please tell me that.”

他剛開始沒有回答，梅布爾疑惑他是否聽懂她的問題。

“她身上有些與眾不同之處?！彼K于說道?！八苍S不是個雪仙子，但她了解這片土地，比我認識的任何人都更了解?！?/p>

“雪仙子”這個詞讓她有點兒心慌，但她知道他沒有惡意。

“我無法想象，每晚都在那種地方過夜。你怎么能讓她……我已經(jīng)不生氣了。沒那么生氣了。但為什么你不擔心她呢？她只是個小孩子。”

他凝視著火堆。“春天那會兒她還沒有回來的時候，我去山上找過她。我擔心死了。我覺得自己犯了個大錯，我以為我們失去了她?！?/p>

“一想到她會遭遇到什么不好的事情，我就無法忍受?！泵凡紶栒f?！八苍S很可愛、勇敢、堅強，但她只是個小女孩。而她爸爸不在了……她自己一個人待在這種地方。如果她遭遇不測，那我們就是罪人，不是嗎？”

杰克點點頭。他又抱住她?！按_實如此。”他說。

“我只是覺得我再也無法承受了。再也承受不住了。在那之后，就再也無法……”她以為杰克會讓她別再提這件事，會轉(zhuǎn)身走開，回去火堆那邊，但他沒有。

“我一直后悔自己當初沒多做點事兒?！彼f?！安皇呛蠡谖覀儧]能挽回那個孩子。只是后悔我沒有多做點事兒，后悔我沒有足夠的勇氣抱抱我們的孩子，看看它的樣子。

她轉(zhuǎn)頭看著他的臉。

“杰克。我知道已經(jīng)過去很長時間了。我的天，十年了。但告訴我，你有和它好好道別。告訴我你有在它的墳前為它禱告。告訴我你有，拜托。”

1) canteen [k?n'ti?n] n. 水壺

2) gulp [g?lp] v. 大口吞，狼吞虎咽

3) cringe [kr?nd?] v. 畏縮，因害怕原因而退縮

4) malice ['m?l?s] n. 惡意，怨恨

5) shush [???] v. 叫…別出聲

“His.”

“What?”

“His grave. It was a little boy. And before I laid him in the ground, I named him Joseph Maurice.”

Mabel laughed out loud.

“Joseph Maurice,” she whispered. It was a name of contention, the two names that would have shocked both their families—two great-grandfathers, one on each side, each a black sheep6)in his own right. “Joseph Maurice.”

“Is that all right?”

She nodded.

“Did you say a prayer?”

“Of course,” and he sounded hurt that she had asked.

“What did you say? Do you remember?”

“I prayed for God to take our tiny babe into his arms and cradle him as we would have, to rock him and love him and keep him safe.”

Mabel let out a sob and hugged Jack with her bare arms. He tucked the blanket around her and they held each other.

“A boy? Are you certain?”

“I’m pretty sure, Mabel.”

“Curious, isn’t it? All that time the baby was inside me, tossing and turning, sharing my blood, and I thought it was a girl. But it wasn’t. It was a little boy. Where did you bury him?”

“In the orchard, down by the creek.”

She knew exactly where. It was the place they had frst kissed, had frst held each other as lovers.

“他的。”

“什么？”

“是‘他’的墳墓。是個男孩。我在送他入土前，我給他取了個名字，叫約瑟夫·莫里斯?！?/p>

梅布爾大聲地笑了出來。

“約瑟夫·莫里斯?！彼哉Z。這是個會引起爭論的名字，這兩個名字會讓他們兩邊的家人感到震驚——分別是兩家曾祖父的名字，他們都是家里的害群之馬。“約瑟夫·莫里斯。”

“這名字還可以吧？”

她點點頭。

“你有說禱告詞嗎？”

“當然?！彼尤贿@樣問，他的語氣聽起來有點兒受傷。

“你說了什么？還記得嗎？”

“我祈求上帝把我們的寶貝抱在懷里，像我們原本打算做的那樣，輕輕搖著他，愛他，保護他。

“梅布爾輕輕啜泣，用她光裸的手臂抱著杰克。他裹緊她的毯子，和她緊緊相擁。

“是個男孩？你確定？”

“我很確定，梅布爾?！?/p>

“真奇怪，不是嗎？孩子一直在我身體里，在里面翻來覆去的，與我血脈相連，我還以為是個女孩。但卻不是，是個男孩。你把他埋在了哪里？”

“果園里，小溪順流而下的地方?！?/p>

她知道確切的位置了。那是他們第一次接吻的地方，是他們成為戀人后第一次擁抱的地方。

“I should have known. I looked for it because I realized I hadn’t said goodbye.”

“I would have told you.”

“I know. We are fools sometimes, aren’t we?”

Jack got up to feed the fre, and when it was burning well he sat again with Mabel under the tree.

“Are you warm enough?”

“Yes,” she said. “But won’t you come in with me?”

“I’ll only make you cold.”

She insisted, helping him strip out of his damp clothes and opening her blankets to him. He did bring in cold air, at first, and the coarse wool of his long underwear rubbed against her bare skin, but she burrowed more tightly against him. Up and down her body, she felt his leanness, how age had pared back his muscles and left loosening skin and smooth bone, but his hold was still firm. She rested her head on his chest and watched the fre fare and send sparks up into the cold night sky.

“我早該想到的。我想知道在哪里是因為我意識到我還沒有好好道別?！?/p>

“我該告訴你的。”

“我知道。我們有時候都很傻，不是嗎？”

杰克起來添加柴火，添好后他又走到樹下和梅布爾坐在一起。

“你覺得夠暖和了嗎？”

“夠了。”她說。“但你不進來和我一起裹著毯子嗎？”

“我只會凍到你?！?/p>

她堅持要他進來，幫他脫掉濕衣服，打開毯子和他裹在一起。一開始他確實把冷空氣帶了進來，而且他那粗糙的羊毛長內(nèi)衣摩擦著她光裸的皮膚，但她向他挨得更緊。她全身都能感受到他的削瘦，歲月消耗掉了他的肌肉，只余下慢慢松弛的皮膚和平滑的骨頭，但他的懷抱依然堅實。她把頭放在他的胸膛上，看著閃耀的火焰以及向寒冷的夜空飛濺而去的火花。

6) in one’s own right 憑本身的能力、條件等