By+Esther+Perel

People often ask me how I became an expert on relationships and sexuality. The truth is， it was entirely unexpected.

My parents Sala Ferlegier and Icek Perel were survivors of the Nazi concentration camps， and sole survivors of their respective families.1 For four years， my parents stood face to face with death. Trauma was woven into the fabric of my family history2 （and would inspire my work for years to come）. They came out of that experience wanting to charge at life with a vengeance and to make the most of each day.3 They both felt that they had been granted a unique gift： living life again. My parents didnt just want to survive， they wanted to revive4. I owe them much of my perspective on life， as well as my belief in the power of will， the search for meaning， and the resilience of the human spirit.5 To me， there is a world of difference between “not being dead” and “being alive”. I owe this understanding to my parents.

I grew up in Antwerp， the Flemish part of Belgium， studied in Jerusalem， and came to the United States for graduate school.6 I planned to stay one year， but never used my return ticket. I fell in love with New York—and with the man who is still my husband today. I went on to study the nature of cultural and religious identity； how we negotiate tradition and modernity， individualism and collectivism.7 For the first 20 years of my career， I was particularly interested in couples and families who were in cultural transition8. I drew directly from my own experience and that of my family.

I worked with refugees and internationals，9 exploring both voluntary and forced migration. As I traveled the world， I witnessed the falls of political regimes10. I became curious how this played out directly in the kitchens and the bedrooms of the families that I worked with. But the bulk of my endeavors culminated in working with mixed couples.11 Intercultural， interracial and interreligious12 families were also in a state of cultural negotiation， playing out in their own homes. My primary interest was in how cultural forces affect gender roles and child rearing13 practices.

Over the next years， I had two sons and I was involved in my own cultural experiment： motherhood in New York City. When my oldest son turned eight， and my youngest five， my schedule and mind space began to clear and I felt ready to take on a new big project. I wrote an article called “In Search of Erotic Intelligence”， about couples and sexuality from the perspective of a foreign therapist observing American sexuality.14 The article went viral15， and it led to an offer to write a book， which I gladly accepted.

I wanted Mating in Captivity： Unlocking Erotic Intelligence to be an honest， enlightened， and provocative conversation on relationships and sexuality that was beyond the common labels of smut or sanctimony.16 I wanted people to question themselves， to speak the unspoken， and to be unafraid to challenge sexual and emotional correctness. I encouraged my audience to grapple with17 the tensions， obstacles， and anxieties that arise when our quest for love and security conflicts with our pursuit of adventure and freedom.

The vastness of the subject of sexuality fascinated me. I discovered that the most traditional aspects of a culture and the most progressive and radical changes in a society take place around sexuality. History， sociology， religion， anthropology， art， psychology were all part and parcel of the erotic matrix.18

I didnt know if I could write a book. This was the first time that I took on a project without any certainty that I could deliver. All I knew was that I had poured my soul into it and done my best.

Ten years later， with 25 translations and thousands of letters in my inbox， its clear that I struck a chord19. I am moved that I was able to elucidate a common dilemma with which so many of us struggle with； there is a paradoxical tension between the erotic and the domestic.20

I enjoy explaining the mysteries of the human condition in simple words. I like to help people all over the world feel understood， confront their joys and pains， and be motivated to change. All this gives me energy when I wake up in the morning. The modern ideology of love is compelling.21 Never before has the couple been such a central unit in our social organization. Never have we expected more from our intimate relationships， and never have we crumbled22 under the weight of so many expectations.

Couples therapy is probably the hardest type of therapy to be in and to practice； and I have been on both sides.23 In my work as a therapist， I see despair， entrenched patterns， loneliness in the presence of another， contempt， violence， lack of any physical touch； so many couples come to me way beyond due date.24 I learn， daily， how to master the art of couple therapy. I continually study neuroscience， attachment theory， neuro-linguistic programming， and psychodrama.25 The great thing about being a therapist is that I dont have to worry about ageism26 and boredom. Its not like keeping up with technology： as long as my brain works， I can practice till I drop—and I certainly intend to.

Some famous quotes by Esther Perel：

Marriage is not the end of romance， it is the beginning. They know that they have years in which to deepen their connection， to experiment， to regress27， and even to fail. They see their relationship as something alive and ongoing， not a fait accompli28. Its a story that they are writing together， one with many chapters， and neither partner knows how it will end. Theres always a place they havent gone yet， always something about the other still to be discovered.

Love rests on two pillars： surrender and autonomy.29 Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness.

Its hard to feel attracted to someone who has abandoned her sense of autonomy.

We used to moralize； today we normalize， and performance anxiety is the secular version of our old religious guilt.30

Love is at once an affirmation and a transcendence of who we are.31

1. Nazi concentration camp：納粹集中營(yíng)；respective：各自的，分別的。

2. 創(chuàng)傷被永遠(yuǎn)載入了我的家族史。trauma： 創(chuàng)傷；weave： 編織；fabric： 結(jié)構(gòu)，構(gòu)造。

3. charge at： 猛攻，沖擊；with a vengeance： 猛烈地，極度地。

4. revive： 恢復(fù)生機(jī)。

5. owe： 應(yīng)感激；resilience：適應(yīng)力，彈性。

6. Antwerp： 安特衛(wèi)普（比利時(shí)城市）；Flemish： 佛蘭德的，佛蘭德是比利時(shí)西部的一個(gè)地區(qū)，人口主要是弗拉芒人，說(shuō)荷蘭語(yǔ)（又稱“弗拉芒語(yǔ)”）；Jerusalem： 耶路撒冷，伊斯蘭教、猶太教和基督教的圣地（目前該地為以色列還是巴勒斯坦的首都仍有爭(zhēng)議）。

7. individualism： 強(qiáng)調(diào)（或堅(jiān)持）個(gè)人的獨(dú)特性；collectivism： 集體主義。

8. cultural transition： 文化轉(zhuǎn)型，文化變遷。

9. refugee： 難民；international： 僑居外國(guó)的人。

10. regime： 政體，政權(quán)。

11. bulk： 大部分；endeavor： 嘗試，努力；culminate： 達(dá)到頂點(diǎn)。

12. intercultural， interracial and interreligious： 跨文化、跨種族和跨宗教的。

13. child rearing： 育兒，撫養(yǎng)孩子。

14. erotic： 情色的，性愛的；therapist：治療師。

15. viral： 病毒的，病毒式傳播。

16. Mating in Captivity： Unlocking Erotic Intelligence： 《被囚禁的愛：解開性學(xué)智慧》；enlightened：開明的，有見識(shí)的；provocative：引起討論（或爭(zhēng)論、深思、好奇心等）的；smut： 污穢內(nèi)容；sanctimony： 假裝神圣或虔誠(chéng)。

17. grapple with： 努力解決。

18. sociology： 社會(huì)學(xué)；anthropology： 人類學(xué)；part and parcel of： ……的必要或重要部分；matrix： 母體，發(fā)源地。

19. strike a chord： 引起共鳴，chord是和弦的意思。

20. 令我感動(dòng)的是，我終于搞清了一個(gè)常見的令無(wú)數(shù)人糾結(jié)的兩難問(wèn)題，即人們?cè)谇樯c正常夫妻關(guān)系之間出現(xiàn)的矛盾性焦慮。elucidate： 闡明；dilemma： 困境；paradoxical：自相矛盾的；domestic： 家庭的，這里指配偶關(guān)系。

21. ideology： 意識(shí)形態(tài)；compelling： 激發(fā)興趣的。

22. crumble： 崩潰，破滅。

23. 夫妻倆同時(shí)進(jìn)行心理咨詢可能是最困難的治療方式，不論是作為病人還是醫(yī)師，我都經(jīng)歷過(guò)。couples therapy：夫妻治療，婚姻咨詢與治療。

24. entrenched： 根深蒂固的；contempt：輕視；due： 預(yù)定的。

25. attachment theory： 依戀理論；psychodrama： 心理表演療法，一種治療精神疾病的方法，要求人們參與某場(chǎng)景的表演從而幫助他們了解自己的情感。

26. ageism： 對(duì)老年人的歧視。

27. regress： 退步，倒退。

28. fait accompli： 既成事實(shí)。

29. pillar： 支柱，重要的原則；surrender：放棄，讓出；autonomy： 自由，自主權(quán)。

30. moralize： 說(shuō)教，從道德角度解釋；normalize： 使正常化；secular： 世俗的，塵世的。

31. affirmation： 肯定；transcendence： 超越，卓越。