劉昱榆

2016年10月浙江高考首次嘗試讀后續(xù)寫(xiě)，拉開(kāi)了寫(xiě)作題的新局面。這不僅僅給學(xué)生，同時(shí)也給老師以一個(gè)巨大的考驗(yàn)。那么如何寫(xiě)好一篇續(xù)寫(xiě)，如何“打動(dòng)”評(píng)卷老師便成了一個(gè)新的難題。

首先我們要了解讀后續(xù)寫(xiě)具體的評(píng)分標(biāo)準(zhǔn)。閱卷時(shí)評(píng)卷老師需要考慮以下幾點(diǎn)：

（1）與原文以及給出的兩個(gè)段首句的銜接程度;

（2）內(nèi)容的豐富性與故事的合理性;

（3）應(yīng)用語(yǔ)法結(jié)構(gòu)和詞匯的準(zhǔn)確性和豐富性;

（4）上下文的連貫性。

下面以一道原創(chuàng)題為例，探討如何使用兩個(gè)技巧來(lái)增強(qiáng)內(nèi)容的豐富性與故事的合理性。

閱讀下面材料， 根據(jù)其內(nèi)容和所給段落開(kāi)頭語(yǔ)續(xù)寫(xiě)兩段， 使之構(gòu)成一篇完整的短文。

Terry Erickson was a tall boy; 13， starting to fill out with muscle but still a little awkward. He was on the edge of being a good athlete， though very slowly and that bothered him. But what bothered him even more was when his fathers eyes went away. Sometimes during a meal his fathers fork would stop halfway to his mouth， just stop， and there would be a long pause while his eyes went away， far away. After several minutes his mother would reach over and take the fork and put it gently down on his plate， and they would go back to eating–or try to go back to eating–normally.

They knew what caused it. When it first started， Terry had asked his mother in private what it was， what was causing the strange behaviour.“Its from the war，”his mother had said， “The doctor at the veterans（退伍軍人） hospital call it the Vietnam syndrome（綜合征）.”

“Will it go away？”“They dont know. Sometimes it goes away， sometimes it doesnt. They are trying to help him.”He stopped pushing it. But it bothered him whenever it happened. His father had trouble， and he knew almost nothing of the war. There just didnt seem to be anything that could help him.

His father was sitting in the kitchen at the table. It had taken some courage， more than Terry thought he could find. Terry got a soda out of the refrigerator and popped it open. As an afterthought， he handed it to his father and got another for himself. Then he sat at the table. His father smiled.“You look serious.” Terry tightened his back and took a sip of soda.“I was wondering if we could talk about something. Dad. Vietnam.”He looked at the table， then out the window. Now his fathers eyes were gone again as Terrys heart sank. Terry pushed his soda back and forth， looking down， frightened at what was happening.

注意：

1. 續(xù)寫(xiě)詞數(shù)應(yīng)為150左右：

2. 請(qǐng)按如下格式在答題卡的相應(yīng)位置作答。

His dad took a deep breath， trying to look for a hidden box.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Terry felt the fear， so he reached for his fathers hand and held it.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

什么是高潮？Herrick（1902）曾定義記敘文中的高潮（climax），也可稱之為轉(zhuǎn)折點(diǎn)（turning point），為故事中最緊張以及最扣人心弦的點(diǎn)，在這個(gè)時(shí)間節(jié)點(diǎn)故事中的主人公做出了一些決定并轉(zhuǎn)變了故事的局面。

了解何為高潮后，我們就應(yīng)著手思考如何營(yíng)造故事中的高潮。本文主要出現(xiàn)了三個(gè)主要人物，Terry以及他的父母親，由給出的兩個(gè)段首句可以看出這個(gè)故事主要圍繞著Terry與他父親之間展開(kāi)。Terry的父親是一位退伍軍人，在日常生活中他時(shí)常出現(xiàn)長(zhǎng)時(shí)間呆滯的狀態(tài)，引起了Terry對(duì)父親過(guò)去生活的好奇，并由此展開(kāi)續(xù)寫(xiě)。

技巧一：增加外部沖突。

Bell（2014）曾提到“沒(méi)有沖突就沒(méi)有喜劇”，“沖突”強(qiáng)調(diào)的是事物的“對(duì)立性”，也是推動(dòng)故事情節(jié)發(fā)展的主要?jiǎng)恿?。根?jù)戲劇理論，敘事作品的沖突包含了三種：人與人之間的沖突，人物自身的內(nèi)心沖突，或人與社會(huì)或自然環(huán)境的沖突。無(wú)論是哪一種沖突，都可以通過(guò)營(yíng)造人物觀點(diǎn)差異，行為對(duì)立，或競(jìng)爭(zhēng)需要等來(lái)表現(xiàn)。以2020年7月浙江高考讀后續(xù)寫(xiě)為例，這篇文章的“對(duì)立性”體現(xiàn)在“我”和北極熊兩個(gè)角色，通過(guò)兩個(gè)“人物”的沖突推進(jìn)故事發(fā)展?；氐竭@道原創(chuàng)題，研讀文本并分析語(yǔ)言后，故事外部的沖突可以著重于兩個(gè)方面：

1. 自然與人物（越南戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)與父親）;

2. 人物與人物（Terry與父親）。

首先，我們要從文本中的細(xì)節(jié)去挖掘人物對(duì)于事件的看法。從文本的結(jié)尾“I was wondering if we could talk about something. Dad. Vietnam.”He looked at the table， then out the window.”猜測(cè)故事走向，可考慮自然與人物的沖突——父親與戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)現(xiàn)場(chǎng)之間的沖突。例如，描述父親對(duì)戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)的厭惡，父親對(duì)生命流逝的感傷等等。

續(xù)寫(xiě)不僅僅只有一個(gè)可能性，角色與角色的沖突同樣也能將文章推向高潮。由文末的“Terry pushed his soda back and forth， looking down， frightened at what was happening.”這句話可以判斷出，Terry是鼓起勇氣問(wèn)起父親慘痛的經(jīng)歷。在首段中，Terry對(duì)越南戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)的不了解以及父親對(duì)戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)的恐懼，同樣可以通過(guò)對(duì)話推動(dòng)情節(jié)的發(fā)展。我們來(lái)分析一下所給兩個(gè)段落的首句：

His dad took a deep breath， trying to look for some photos from a hidden box.

從take a deep breath這個(gè)人物動(dòng)作推斷出父親是極其不愿意提起過(guò)往的事情。

Terry felt the fear， so he reached for his fathers hand and held it.

fear一詞再次強(qiáng)調(diào)了父親的感受，同時(shí)本句話也表現(xiàn)出了Terry逐漸開(kāi)始明白父親的感受以及他的病因。

技巧二：加強(qiáng)內(nèi)部斗爭(zhēng)。

內(nèi)部斗爭(zhēng)其實(shí)指的是上文提到的人物角色的心理活動(dòng)或心理斗爭(zhēng)，若要將此部分發(fā)揮極致，首要的是要了解人物的性格特點(diǎn)和情感變化。當(dāng)考生抓住了人物情感變化的主線時(shí)，文章后續(xù)的情節(jié)走向也就會(huì)十分清晰明了。

故事原文中兩個(gè)主要人物的情感性格線索如下表所示：

Terry：

Terrys father：

由上表可見(jiàn)，一位是關(guān)心父親卻又膽怯的兒子，一位是恐懼過(guò)往卻又深愛(ài)兒子的父親?？梢砸龑?dǎo)考生充分利用兩個(gè)人物心理活動(dòng)的矛盾來(lái)營(yíng)造故事的高潮，例如兒子是如何從不解到理解父親，父親又是如何從害怕到勇敢面對(duì)過(guò)去等。

表達(dá)兒子明白真相后情緒低落的描述有：

（1）The last word went like a bullet to Terrys heart.

（2）Terry felt so sad that he found himself crying subconsciously， unable to hold back his tears.

（3）He felt that the blood in his body running rapidly because of the terrible photos.

表達(dá)父親在兒子的安撫下勇敢面對(duì)過(guò)去的描述有：

（1）Hearing his encouraging words， Terrys father smiled with tears.

（2）Terrys innocent eyes hit the deepest of his heart.

（3）His eyes twinkled with endless hope every time he remembered this talk with Terry.

參考范文：

His father took a deep breath， trying to look for a hidden box. Inside the box were a piles of pictures about his worst memory. Terry could notice his dads hand trembling and reaching one of the faded photos. Meanwhile， Fathers nightmare came back vividly， which reminded him of the warzone， the chaos and the screaming. However， he took one out and said，“This is my best friend but he died of an unexpected explosion.”His description was beyond imagination. Terry felt so terrified and sad that he found himself crying subconsciously， unable to hold back his tears. Never has he expected how cruel the war was.

Terry felt the fear， so he reached for his fathers hand and held it. It was Terrys father who decided to break the silence， “I didnt talk about it because it wasnt anything fun.”Terry nodded his head， gazing through his dads broken soul.“Thanks， dad， for telling everything. I want you to know that from now on， mum and I will support you along the journey.”Terry wiped his tears， attempting to squeeze a smile. Hearing his sons encouraging words， the fathers face lit up. They both know it would be a long recovery but the fathers eyes twinkled with endless hope every time he remembered this talk with Terry.

點(diǎn)評(píng)：

第一，情節(jié)設(shè)置較為合理，細(xì)節(jié)豐富，與原文以及給出的句子銜接緊密。首段續(xù)寫(xiě)中描述了父親給兒子描述戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)的情形，用了心理活動(dòng)和人物動(dòng)作分別體現(xiàn)了戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)的殘酷。比如“nightmare”一詞就精準(zhǔn)具體地表現(xiàn)了戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)在人們心中的形象。同時(shí)父親的動(dòng)作也十分生動(dòng)形象，不是用了簡(jiǎn)單的“take a photo”，而是用“trembling and reaching”來(lái)豐富父親的動(dòng)作細(xì)節(jié)。第二段，Terry的“看”這個(gè)動(dòng)作也并未使用“l(fā)ook”這樣的上義詞，而是使用了“gaze through”突出表現(xiàn)了Terry對(duì)父親的一種理解和同情。同理，靈活運(yùn)用了wipe， squeeze， lit up， twinkle等詞，這為文章增添不少色彩。然而篇章有限，對(duì)于戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)的描述一帶而過(guò)，難以使讀者產(chǎn)生共鳴。

第二，從語(yǔ)言層面上看，本篇續(xù)寫(xiě)句型多樣并恰到好處，運(yùn)用大量詞塊。比如首段開(kāi)頭使用了倒裝句“Inside the box were a piles of pictures about his worst memory”;還有定語(yǔ)從句“Fathers nightmare came back vividly， which reminded him of the warzone， the chaos and the screaming.”;在首段結(jié)尾再次使用了一個(gè)Never引導(dǎo)的部分倒裝“Never has he expected how cruel the war was.”除了句型，非謂語(yǔ)動(dòng)詞的大量使用也使得句子銜接自然，毫不累贅。

這篇文章對(duì)于情節(jié)描述較合理，首段通過(guò)主要營(yíng)造人物內(nèi)心活動(dòng)的沖突，尤其著重描寫(xiě)了父親對(duì)戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)的回憶;第二段通過(guò)語(yǔ)言描寫(xiě)體現(xiàn)了人物角色之間解決“對(duì)立性”的過(guò)程。故事有起伏，有個(gè)完整的結(jié)尾，正能量的走向都升華了整篇續(xù)寫(xiě)，這也是當(dāng)下學(xué)生需要努力的方向。

責(zé)任編輯 蔣小青