Jokes Today

Poor Man

A man sat at a bar， had the saddest hangdog expression.

Bartender： Whats the matter？ Are you having troubles with your wife？

The man： We had a fight， and she told me that she wasnt going to speak to me for a month.

Bartender： That should make you happy.

The man： No， the month is up today！

How Did I Do

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said， “Lets get off the corner， people.” A few glances， but no one moved， so he barked again， “Lets get off that corner... NOW！” Intimidated， the group of people began to leave， casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act， the young policeman turned to his partner and asked， “Well， how did I do？” “Pretty good，” chuckled the veteran policemen， “especially since this is a bus stop！”

Psychiatrist

Jerry went to a psychiatrist. “Doctor，” he said， “Ive got trouble. Every time I get into bed， I think theres somebody under it. Im going crazy！” “Just put yourself in my hands for one year，” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week， and Ill cure your fears.” “How much do you charge？” “A hundred dollars per visit.” “Ill sleep on it，” said Jerry.

Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. “Why didnt you ever come to see me again？” asked the psychiatrist. “For a hundred bucks a visit？ The bartender cured me for $10.” “Is that so！ How？” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed！Aint nobody under there now?。?！”

How Can I Get into Heaven

“If I sold my house and my car， had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the poor， would I get into heaven？” I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

“No！” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church everyday， mowed the yard， and kept everything neat and tidy， would I get into heaven？”

Again， the answer was， “No！”

“Well，” I continued， “then how can I get into heaven？”

A five-year-old boy shouted out， “You gotta be dead！”

You Might Be as Lucky as that Man

An insurance salesman was trying to convince a potential customer to buy insurance. “Only last week I sold a life insurance policy to a man 33 years old. The very next day he had an accident and died， and our company promptly awarded $100，000 to his family. Now just think you might be as lucky as that man！”

（河南鎮(zhèn)平 張寧 供稿）