舞文弄墨

上期主題：Shanghai Impressions

你去過么？你愛上她了么？上海，讓很多人流連忘返，樂此不歸的城市，給你的印象是什么？來《舞文弄墨》說說屬于你的上海吧……

大連理工大學(xué) Ivy

Bonjour, Shanghai

A beat in the sun

The first time I got on the subway of Shanghai, line 3 took me away like an arrow shot into the air. Lofty modern buildings, wining car flows and rising horns make a vivid animation film on transparent windows. The idea that I was in Shanghai suddenly occurred to me and I smiled, for the vitality and liberality of Shanghai.

A tropical fish in the sea

Whenever the night flights on the roof of highest skyscrapers in the city, I can't help opening my curious eyes and immersing again in the sea of dazzling light. Like a small tropical fish I delightedly sway my tail and wander in various luminous coral reefs, appreciating the historical yet refreshing beauty that only belongs to Night Shanghai.

A leaf against the wind

No one will neglect the nervous look on the pasty faces of people living in the city. Tensive life has loaded Shanghainese with irremovable pressure and forced them to face cruelty of ubiquitous competition in daily life and working fields. Shanghai or the money behind it is such a huge temptation that everyday crowds of people stand on the subway station platform, like leaves sticking to bough against the wind. Shanghai or the money behind it is such a huge temptation that everyday crowds of people stand on the subway station platform, ready to run for life, just like leaves sticking to a bough against the wind.

This is Shanghai, to which I will always murmur in my heart: Bonjour, Shanghai.

外編點評：寫得很生動，但是偶爾有些比喻讓人很疑惑，如“a vivid animation film on transparent windows”表達不清，應(yīng)該寫做like a cartoon projected against the windows of the subway（像放映在輕軌車窗上的動畫片）。Liberality一詞使用不當(dāng)，用liberation或freedom（自由）會更好?！癟ensive life”也應(yīng)寫做the tension of life（生活的壓力）。第二段中immerse需要加賓語，改為immersing myself in the sea of dazzling light。第三段選中neglect很奇怪，如果想表達“沒有注意到”，最好選用miss一詞?！盀樯畋疾ā睉?yīng)寫做run for one's life，改為run for their lives。另外此句句首應(yīng)用逗號斷開，調(diào)整為Shanghai, or the money behind it, is such …。

上海海事大學(xué) 胡玲玲

Shanghai Impression

It is not a bit exaggerated to say that Shanghai is to China what a resplendent diamond is to a crown. So gorgeous it is that in front of it all complimentary words fade their might. Two and a half years ago, when I came to Shanghai for the first time in my life, I fell for her hopelessly. She is a model that perfectly combines the accumulation throughout history and modern advancement. Standing at the west bank of the Huangpu River, which is nicknamed as Puxi, those quaint buildings remind me of the old Shanghai in last century – the lively nightlife, the famous movie star Zhouxuan and Bai Liusu and Fan Liuyuan in the writings of Eileen Chang. While the old alleys belong exclusively to Shanghai best embody the city's characteristics. Time slows down once I step into them. Sauntering, watching the simple tenements and hearing the seniors' talking in Shanghai's soft and delicate dialect, I see another Shanghai, which is thoroughly different from its modern and advanced aspect. And such leisurely and serene life constitutes the eternal complex in people's inner world. Pudong, most well-known for Lu Jiazui CBD, is more modern than Puxi. As one of China's most significant financial center, the development of the bygone village in recent decades is eye-catching. The fast tempo of life demonstrates Shanghai's vigor and it tells that it is a city full of challenges and opportunities. The forthcoming Expo is an once-in-a-lifetime occasion for Shanghai to show the world its glories and sophistication. Breathtakingly beautiful and terrifically developed, Shanghai can satisfy the most fastidious people. So, I just want to say, "if you are tired of Shanghai, you must be tired of life."

外編點評：寫得很不錯，尤其是對特定地區(qū)和城市標志的描述。作文第二句混淆了兩個短語，說成fade away或者lose their weight（減弱、失去力度）?！癆ccumulation throughout history”使用不當(dāng)，可以說成historical memories或者the remains of history（歷史記憶、遺跡）。此外，一般直接說nickname，而不是“nickname as”，如He's nicknamed Buck（他的昵稱是巴克）?！癟he old alleys belong”應(yīng)該寫為the old alleys belonging，并且由于此句以“while”開頭，句子不完整，應(yīng)導(dǎo)出其它相關(guān)內(nèi)容，如While the old alleys belonging exclusively to Shanghai best embody the city's characteristics, the new buildings reflect modernity. 也可將while從句放在句尾。一般saunter（散步、閑逛）不單獨使用，后接through/in/around等詞。最后，tell需要接賓語，可改為tell us。

下期主題：My Lovely Pet

寵物在現(xiàn)代人的生活中扮演著越來越重要的角色，忠誠憨厚的狗狗、活潑可愛的貓貓……許多人將寵物視為家庭一員，甚至精神寄托。寵物與我們朝夕相伴，帶來無限的快樂，也有數(shù)不完的趣事。你的寵物又有哪些“軼事”，養(yǎng)寵物的過程中你又學(xué)到了什么？馬上來《舞文弄墨》書寫你可愛的寵物！

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