主人，放了那只喵星人！

有人喜愛“汪星人”，因?yàn)樗偸侵倚墓⒐⒌嘏惆橹魅?，無論發(fā)生什么，都那么“蠢呆萌”和“傻白甜”。有人喜愛“喵星人”，因?yàn)榧戎杂谒鼉?yōu)雅的身姿，又無法抗拒它孑然一身的“高冷范兒”。也有人兩者都愛，于是毫不顧忌地將它們養(yǎng)在一起，自以為一喵一汪能和平共處?？墒?，你真的知道它們的小腦袋瓜里都在想些什么嗎？或許那只狗狗早就對(duì)貓忍無可忍，有話想說了呢？

Dear Lovely Lady Food Dispenser1），

I love you， especially when you feed me. What I dont love， however， is the cat. He is not of sane mind.

I have brought this to your attention before， but I ask again， have you ever wondered whats wrong with the cat？ I dont mean why he doesnt chase balls or have any friends. I mean why he is content to lie around for hours （lazy？） staring into space （psychopath？）. You have to wonder if there is any brain activity happening in his furry little head.

And another thing， why does he take so damned long to eat his food？ OMFG. That tiny bowl of stuff would take me a few seconds to scarf down2） but he chews delicately on each individual kibble3） until I think I am going to go insane. He licks at the wet stuff like hes licking an ice cream cone （not the way Id eat an ice cream cone， for sure）. Good for him you put it up high on the kitchen counter.

But this is the scary part： Hes homicidal4）.

Hes Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde5）. He acts all tame and stupid in the daytime but after you go to bed， he becomes a killer. A serial killer！

I have seen him stalk6） a little rodent7） in the dark with his feline night vision and kill it with such sick enjoyment that he drags the murder out as long as he can. For as long as the poor victim can draw another breath. This is， for lack of a better term， sick shit.

What Im trying to convey is that he is not the sweet， lazy， cuddle-buddy you think he is. He is a narcissist （among other things）.

Has it ever occurred to you why he comes over and lies on your keyboard when you are using your computer？ Has it ever occurred to you why he refuses to pay any attention to you at times when you lean in for a kiss？

Ill tell you why. Hes also a control freak. He has fantasies of world domination. We are all in serious danger. We should run for our lives.

Or， better yet， why dont we free him from his unnatural caged existence within the confines of this home （which has clearly caused his feline dementia） and LET HIM GO OUTSIDE？

Why didnt I think of that before？ Let the little killer out to find as many rodents as he can eat？ Make him a free-range8） cat！ Hed love it.

And then maybe I could spend the night on the couch like I used to without having to worry about the evil cat killing me in my sleep. And you can give me that wet food in those little tiny cans.

Think about it. Sound like a plan？

Just leave the door open.

I love you， food lady！

Your Loving and Loyal Canine Companion，

The Dog

親愛的可愛的喂食官女士：

我愛你，你喂我的時(shí)候我更愛你?？扇思也粣鄣氖悄侵贿餍侨?。他腦子就不正常。

以前我就提醒過你要注意這一點(diǎn)，但現(xiàn)在我要再次問你這個(gè)問題，你是否也曾納悶兒那喵星人究竟有什么毛病？我不是指他為什么不喜歡追球球，或者為什么沒有任何朋友。我是指他為什么喜歡一連幾個(gè)小時(shí)躺在那里（是因?yàn)閼袉?？），眼睛直勾勾地盯著空無一物的地方（這不是神經(jīng)病嗎？）。你一定想知道他那毛茸茸的小腦袋里究竟有沒有大腦活動(dòng)。

還有，他吃東西為什么要花那么那么長(zhǎng)的時(shí)間？額滴神呀！那么小小的一碗東西，我?guī)酌刖统酝炅耍伤麉s要細(xì)細(xì)咀嚼每一粒碎屑，直到我覺得自己都要發(fā)瘋了。他舔舐那些湯湯水水的東西就跟舔圓筒冰淇淋似的（當(dāng)然，這可不是我吃圓筒冰淇淋的風(fēng)格）。幸好你把冰淇淋放在了高高的櫥柜上。

但最最可怕的是：他有殺戮傾向。

他有雙重“喵格”，就像哲基爾醫(yī)生一到夜晚就變成邪惡的海德博士一樣。白天，他總是一副乖乖的、呆呆的樣子，但你上床之后，他就變成了殺手。一個(gè)連環(huán)殺手！

我曾見過他在黑暗中，用喵星人那特有的夜視眼，悄悄地獵捕一只小老鼠，并以一種變態(tài)的樂趣實(shí)施殺戮：他會(huì)盡可能地拖長(zhǎng)殘殺時(shí)間，直到那可憐的家伙斷氣為止。真是個(gè)變態(tài)狂魔——請(qǐng)恕我找不到一個(gè)更好的詞。

我想說的是：他根本不是你心目中那個(gè)可愛的、慵懶的、可以抱在懷里任你愛撫的喵星人。他是個(gè)自戀狂（當(dāng)然還有其他毛病）。

你可曾想過，他為什么在你用電腦時(shí)跑過來躺在你的鍵盤上？你可曾想過，有時(shí)候，當(dāng)你湊過去想要親他時(shí)，他為什么對(duì)你不理不睬？

我告訴你為什么。因?yàn)樗彩莻€(gè)控制狂。他幻想主宰整個(gè)世界。我們真的都非常危險(xiǎn)。我們應(yīng)該快點(diǎn)逃命。

或許我們還有更好的辦法？我們?yōu)槭裁床话阉麖倪@個(gè)家的束縛中解脫出去，讓他擺脫這種違背自然的牢籠般的生活（顯然這種生活已經(jīng)導(dǎo)致他患上了喵星人癡呆癥），讓他到外面去呢？

這主意我以前怎么沒有想到呢？把這個(gè)小殺手放出去，讓他想吃多少老鼠就捉多少。讓他做一只自由自在的喵星人！他一定會(huì)喜歡的。

這樣的話，或許我就可以像過去一樣，在沙發(fā)上踏踏實(shí)實(shí)地睡覺，而不必?fù)?dān)心那只邪惡的喵星人在睡夢(mèng)中把我殺死。而你就把那些小罐罐里帶湯汁的食品都給我好了。

好好想想。這是不是個(gè)好主意？

只需把門敞開即可。

我愛你，喂食官女士。

愛你的、忠實(shí)的汪汪好伙伴

汪星人