短文寫作

黃娟

習(xí)作一

It is known that the sea is of great significance to our life. Because the sea provides us a lot of resources， so protecting the sea is very important for us.

However， many animals in the sea are being hunted or killed， which destroys the balance of the ecology. What is more， more and more polluted water flows into the sea， causing the death of many tiny creatures. Besides， many people pick precious plants for the benefit of themselves. It is humans action that makes the creatures in the sea endangered.

As far as I am concerned， I think it is time for us to raise the awareness of protecting the sea. What matters most is our awareness.

這是一篇中檔習(xí)作。其優(yōu)點(diǎn)是：

1. 本文表達(dá)流暢，層次分明。在首段作者能熟練使用主語從句引出話題；在行文中，用so， however， what is more， besides， as far as I am concerned等連接句子和段落，使文章過渡自然。文章的結(jié)尾也很簡練。好的開頭和結(jié)尾往往是成功的一半，能給讀者留下深刻印象，也是高考閱卷評分的一個(gè)重要依據(jù)。

2. 作者運(yùn)用了一些高級詞匯和短語，如：be of significance， for the benefit of， flow into， endanger， raise， awareness， matter， 使文章語言比較豐富。

3. 作者嘗試運(yùn)用了一些不同的、較復(fù)雜的句子結(jié)構(gòu)。如：

It is known that... （it充當(dāng)形式主語）

...， Which destroys... （非限定性定語從句）

...， causing the death of... （非謂語動詞充當(dāng)結(jié)果狀語）

It is humans action that... （強(qiáng)調(diào)句型）

Protecting the ocean is... （非謂語動詞作主語）

What matters most is... （主語從句）

不足之處是：

①該生有些地方用詞不夠準(zhǔn)確，語法方面也出現(xiàn)了一些錯(cuò)誤。如：

because the sea provides us a lot of resources， so protecting the sea is very important for us. 此句中because和so重復(fù)使用，應(yīng)該去掉其中一個(gè)；然后provide的這個(gè)詞運(yùn)用不準(zhǔn)確，要在us后加上with才正確。

As far as I am concerned和I think重復(fù)使用，去掉I think， 因?yàn)閍s far as I am concerned就是用來表達(dá)觀點(diǎn)的。

It is humans action that makes the creatures in the sea endangered.中的action應(yīng)改為activities，這樣表意更加準(zhǔn)確，然后謂語動詞makes應(yīng)改為make。

②作者的語言還需要提煉，如結(jié)尾段這句it is time for us to raise the awareness of protecting the sea. What matters most is our awareness.中awareness 與前面句子有點(diǎn)重復(fù)，可以把它合并為一句話it is time for us to raise the awareness of protecting the sea and appeal to more people to care for the sea.這樣語句更精煉。

習(xí)作二

It is acknowledged that the sea plays a very important role in our life. There are such wide varieties of natural resources and living creatures in the sea that it provides human beings with abundant natural resources， so it is vital for us to take care of the sea. But things are just the opposite.

As is known to all， the sea is being badly polluted， since more and more wasted water and poisonous chemicals are being poured into the sea without being dealt with， which does great damage to the sea. Besides， too many sea valuable plants like corals are being picked and harvested by humans. In the meantime， some living creatures like whales are being hunted or killed with abandon. As a consequence of human destructive activities， the ecological balance of the ocean has been seriously damaged.

Therefore， its high time that we protected the ocean. Only if we take action can we protect the ocean. It is everybodys effort that counts.

這是一篇高檔習(xí)作。

1. 本文涵蓋了題目要求的所有要點(diǎn)條理清晰。

2. 文中使用了很多高級詞匯且運(yùn)用準(zhǔn)確。如：acknowledge，play a role in，vital，varieties of，do damage to，destructive， deal with， abundant， take care of， count， pour into， with abandon， take action等。作者具有很好的語言基礎(chǔ)知識和語言運(yùn)用能力。

3. 作者嘗試使用了許多的經(jīng)典句型及結(jié)構(gòu)。如：

It is acknowledged that... （it作形式主語）

such...that... （結(jié)果狀語從句）

As is known to all （非限定性定語從句）

It is the...that counts （強(qiáng)調(diào)句型）

It is high time that we protected... （虛擬語氣）

Only if we...can we... （倒裝句型）

文中長短句結(jié)合，各種句型交替使用，讀起來通順流暢，顯示了作者扎實(shí)的語言功底；文章結(jié)尾能用一句 it is high time that we protected the ocean來呼吁人們采取行動來保護(hù)海洋，進(jìn)一步點(diǎn)題。

4. 連接詞使用恰如其分，使文章連貫且邏輯性強(qiáng)。如：but things are just the opposite， besides， in the meantime， as a consequence of， therefore。endprint