恭維話的代價

毛川 盧青亮

Despite the current strident culture of positive reinforcement—compliment often！—people can have a natural skepticism towards those who offer praise too freely.1 They might be searching for some linguistic way to oil the wheels of social interaction， but remain wary of those who overdo it.

Its easy to see why. Streams of compliments can betray either insincerity or ulterior motives.2 Reactions to praise can be telling， too. Mark Twain， in a chapter epigraph from Puddnhead Wilsons New Calendar （1894） observes that “a dozen direct censures are easier to bear than one morganatic compliment”.3 The use of “morganatic”， or lopsided4， here is interesting—while usually used to talk about marriages between a member of a high-born family and someone of an inferior rank， Twain draws attention to a sense of social inequality and anxiety that seems wrapped up in accepting a compliment.

Those who find themselves on the receiving end5 of compliments can be particularly bad at accepting them. There are a few well-practised strategies for deflecting6 positive feedback. Perhaps the most odious7 is the counter-compliment： when “Nice jacket！” immediately gives rise to “I like your dress！” This can then be closely followed by the ever-modest： “This old thing？ It looks like I picked it out of a trash can！”

But why do people struggle so much when receiving compliments？

One simple explanation might be that they are left at an impasse8： to take a compliment is to violate the norm of modesty， yet to deflect or disagree with the compliment is to undermine its social function.

All this is perhaps partially true but it doesnt explain why the person complimented chooses not to respond with a neutral “thank you”. In fact， to say thank you and thus， to accept the compliment， is essentially to go into debt. As any student of market exchange can explain， you cant simply take a compliment without offering something in return.

Most of the time， people are well aware of the circumstances of exchange： they swap9 this for that. But in the rare circumstances when theyre not prepared with a counter-gift， they can be beset with feelings of guilt. Receiving a gift， Jacques Derrida10 thought， could make one feel like a debtor trapped in a cycle of economic exchange. People dont like the feeling of being under obligation， and try to discharge11 the perceived inequality as quickly as possible.

Private gift-giving， as the Frankfurt school theorist Theodor Adorno12 worried， has become an empty ritual. Theres no denying that in at least some cases， people give gifts reluctantly. This has less to do with gift-giving itself， and more to do with the choosing of gifts. Gift-giving looks like an obligation， and a fairly widespread one at that. Sure， there is giving gifts to lovers， friends and family. But then there is also the world of white-elephant exchanges and Secret Santas，13 practices that keep gift-giving routines going well beyond the circles of people we know well enough to make choosing presents enjoyable.

For these forced occasions， for， say， the coworker weve never spoken to， there are pre-printed cards and commercial guides. Even when the receiver is well-known， people want to minimise14 the effort needed for gifting. A relative once sent me a gift basket of dried fruit， nuts and cured15 meats； both the offending party and I are vegetarians.

If gift-giving has become more transactional， with the give-and-take an end unto itself， so has complimenting.

This forced choice—fulfill your obligation to return the praise or resign yourself16 to guilt—comes from belonging to a society structured around commodities and their exchange. The trouble is， if compliments are transactions， feeling that were beholden17 is a natural state of affairs. To imagine that we could completely overcome our ways of thinking about compliments， however， requires rethinking our social and economic forms of life. While a tall order18， this could be the true gift Adorno and Derrida were hoping for.

盡管當下的“正強化”文化甚囂塵上——多多恭維！——人們還是會對那些溢美之辭張口就來的人保持自然的懷疑態(tài)度。他們也許在尋找某種語言的方式來潤滑社交的輪子，但仍然對那些做得過了頭的人保持警惕。

原因很簡單：如滔滔江水連綿不絕的恭維話是表里不一、心懷鬼胎的表現(xiàn)。對溢美之詞的反應也很能說明問題。馬克·吐溫在其《傻瓜威爾遜的新日歷》（1894）中某章的警句寫道：“一陣劈頭蓋臉的責罵比一句地位懸殊的人說出的恭維話更好忍受”。有趣的是，馬克·吐溫用了“morganatic”一詞（該詞通常用來指代貴賤聯(lián)姻）或者說“懸殊”一詞，讓人們注意到他們在接受恭維時似乎難免會感到社會不平等且焦慮不安。

那些不得不接受恭維的人可能特別不善逢迎。人們轉移這種積極稱贊有一些常用的策略。也許其中最令人厭惡的就是這種回應：當面對“夾克真漂亮！”的夸贊時你馬上回了一句“我喜歡你的裙子！”而對方便會以最謙虛的方式緊緊跟上：“這件舊東西？看上去像是我從垃圾桶里撿來的！”

但為何人們在受到恭維時如此糾結？

一種簡單的解釋認為可能是因為他們陷入了僵局：接受恭維會違反謙虛的規(guī)范，而轉移或者否定恭維則會損害其社會功能。

或許這種說法從一定程度上來講是正確的，但并沒有解釋為何被恭維的人不選擇淡淡地答一句“謝謝”。事實上，道謝然后接受恭維本質(zhì)是欠債。任何學習市場交易的人都可以解釋，你不能只是接受恭維卻毫無回報。

大多數(shù)時候人們都能很清楚地意識到存在交易的情況：他們用這個交換那個。但在少數(shù)情況下由于沒準備回禮，他們會感到內(nèi)疚。在雅克·德里達看來，接受禮物會讓人感覺像是欠債一般，被困在經(jīng)濟交換的循環(huán)中無法抽身。人們不喜歡欠別人人情的感覺，會試圖盡快擺脫這種可以感受到的不平等。

私人之間的贈送禮物，正如法蘭克福學派理論家西奧多·阿多諾所擔心的那樣，已經(jīng)變成了一種空洞的儀式。不可否認的是，至少在某些情況下，人們是不愿意送禮的。這與贈送禮物本身無關，更多是關于禮物的挑選。贈送禮物看上去像是一種義務，而且是種非常普遍的義務。當然，有一類“送禮”是向愛人、朋友和家人贈送禮物。但還有一類是像“白象禮物交換”和“秘密圣誕老人”的送禮游戲，這些做法讓送禮的圈子不斷擴大，大到那些我們足夠熟知從而享受為其挑選禮物的圈子之外。

在這些無奈的情況下，比如說要給我們從沒說過話的同事送禮，有提前印好的卡片和商品指南來幫我們應付。即使收禮方是自己所熟知的，人們?nèi)韵ＭM可能少地在送禮上花工夫。一個親戚曾送給我一個裝著果干、堅果和腌肉的禮籃；而他（惹惱別人的一方）和我一樣都是素食主義者。

如果送禮已經(jīng)變得更像交易，贈與和收受本身成了目的，那么恭維也是一樣。

要么履行義務老老實實回口稱贊 ，要么任自己心生愧疚：我們之所以被迫做出這樣的選擇，是因為我們身處一個圍繞商品及其交易所構建的社會。問題是，如果恭維是一種交易，那么產(chǎn)生負債感是很自然的事兒。然而，倘若想要徹底克服這種對待恭維的思維方式，我們必須反思生活的社會和經(jīng)濟形式。盡管難如登天，但這或許是阿多諾和德里達真正一直期待的禮物。

1. strident： 刺耳的；positive reinfor- cement： 正強化，在心理學中，正強化的定義是：任何導致我們以后進行該行為的可能性增加的結果；skepticism： 懷疑態(tài)度。

2. betray： 顯露，表現(xiàn)出；ulterior： 藏在背后的，居心叵測的。

3. epigraph： 引語；censure： 責備； morganatic： 指王室、貴族成員與庶民通婚的。

4. lopsided： 嚴重不平衡的。

5. receiving end： 文中指處在接受恭維一方的人。

6. deflect： 轉移。

7. odious： 令人厭惡的。

8. impasse： 僵局。

9. swap： 交換。

10. Jacques Derrida： 雅克·德里達（1930—2004），是20世紀下半葉最重要的法國思想家之一，西方解構主義的代表人物。

11. discharge： 清償（債務）。

12. Theodor Adorno： 西奧多·阿多諾（1903—1969），德國哲學家、社會學家，法蘭克福學派第一代的主要代表人物，社會批判理論的奠基者。

13. white-elephant exchanges： 白象禮物交換，是一種禮物交換游戲。白象禮物指的是被人們認為非常珍貴但是對于收禮人來說并無實用價值的“禮物”。這個游戲的意義在于，給每個人一個機會擺脫不喜歡的禮物，并能不斷地獲得新的禮物；Secret Santa： 秘密圣誕老人，是一種慶祝圣誕節(jié)的禮物交換游戲，指某團體成員隨機送另一成員圣誕禮物。

14. minimise： 降到最低。

15. cured： 用干燥、熏、腌等方法加工貯藏的。

16. resign yourself to： 使自己聽任，使自己順從。

17. be beholden to： 欠……人情的。

18. tall order： 離譜的要求。