雅思習(xí)作評(píng)改系列（2）：增加句型多樣性有助于考試提分

文/唐老雅

在上期的“雅思習(xí)作評(píng)改系列（1）”中，老雅指出，寫作中一些無(wú)心的語(yǔ)言錯(cuò)誤可以在很大程度上拉低作文的分?jǐn)?shù)，這個(gè)尤其表現(xiàn)在一些低分段的作文中。毫不夸張地說(shuō)，很多烤鴨的作文，保持作文原有的思想邏輯和句型表達(dá)，只要修改其中明顯的語(yǔ)言錯(cuò)誤，分?jǐn)?shù)就可以直接提升0.5—1分。對(duì)那些一寫就錯(cuò)的烤鴨，老雅的建議很直接：不要好高騖遠(yuǎn)去追求什么新穎立意和高分詞匯句型，先把基本的句子寫好。

然而，基本的句子寫作這一關(guān)趟過(guò)之后，若想進(jìn)一步提分，烤鴨就要注意增加句型的多樣性了。首先需要說(shuō)明的是，句型多樣性并不意味著滿篇都寫長(zhǎng)句或從句。恰恰相反，句型多樣性要求長(zhǎng)短句有機(jī)結(jié)合，實(shí)現(xiàn)文章的節(jié)奏感?？傮w來(lái)說(shuō)，實(shí)現(xiàn)句型多樣性的方法有：副詞句首、介詞短語(yǔ)句首、分詞短語(yǔ)句首、插入語(yǔ)、從句、后置分詞短語(yǔ)、強(qiáng)調(diào)句、倒裝句等，這些方法可以打破單調(diào)的“主+謂+賓”結(jié)構(gòu)，讓句子寫作顯示出多樣性來(lái)。此外，老雅還有個(gè)建議：在表達(dá)段落主題句或結(jié)論時(shí)，一般使用短句（或常規(guī)句型）以突顯明確的觀點(diǎn)，在論證主題句或舉例的時(shí)候，一般使用長(zhǎng)句（或更豐富的句型變化）以體現(xiàn)論證的深度和層次感。本期擬從句型多樣性的角度給各位烤鴨提供一篇作文修改，話題是“網(wǎng)絡(luò)時(shí)代，學(xué)生是否不需要去學(xué)校了？”

題目：

Schooling is no longer necessary,since more and more information is accessible on the Internet,and students can study just as well at home.To what extent do you agree or disagree?

學(xué)生習(xí)作：

The boost of information on the Internet enables students to absorb information at home.Some think traditional schooling will disappear in the future.Generally,I believe in the necessity of schooling,although study online do have benefits.

It is true that acquiring knowledge online is an accessible way for students to be well-informed about the world.Simply clicking the mouse,various information will be displayed to students immediately.It is easy for them to know the most advanced technology,the culture of a foreign country,etc.However,education is not only about absorbing useful information,but also educate students to be good members in society.To achieve this end,the school system should continue to be the mainstream way of education.

Schooling is a desirable way to improve students’ soft skills.As the world becoming increasingly competitive,no one will excel if he is knowledgeable but lack of teamwork spirit.This can be made up by attending traditional classes and do collaborative assignments with classmates.By communicating with each other and expressing themselves,students have the opportunity to realise the importance of cooperation,and thus better themselves comprehensively.

Learning at home from Internet can not raise students’ awareness of being a moral person,which may bring about indifference to society.This is less possible to happen in a traditional school,where there are all kinds of extra-curricular activity,volunteer work,for instance,to help build up their sense of responsibility to society and sympathy to others.

In general,although the Internet is convenient to acquire knowledge,I do not think schooling will disappear because of the meaning of education.Learning online can only be a complement rather than a substitute.

評(píng)分：6.5

總評(píng)：具備比較好的詞匯量和用英語(yǔ)表達(dá)思想的能力。思維邏輯清楚，連貫性較好。

上節(jié)已經(jīng)介紹，對(duì)于含有n個(gè)環(huán)的配電網(wǎng)，二進(jìn)制PSO算法中維分量中的“0”的數(shù)目需等于n，而運(yùn)用基本的二進(jìn)制PSO算法，每次迭代更新時(shí)維分量中的“0”個(gè)數(shù)不固定，需要對(duì)其進(jìn)行一定的改良：將簡(jiǎn)化后的開關(guān)作為待優(yōu)化的變量，按支路分成m個(gè)分維，選出每個(gè)分維中概率最小的維分量，再將選出的維分量概率進(jìn)行比較，將其中概率最小的前n個(gè)對(duì)應(yīng)的位置維分量取0，剩下的都取1。

總體建議：（1）修改一些基本的語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤，讓句子更加正確，尤其注意句子的搭配，不要過(guò)于隨意；（2）句式變化的嘗試還可以多一些。

逐句修改：

第1段：The boost of information on the Internet(1)enables students to absorb information at home.Some think traditional schooling will disappear in the future.Generally,I believe inthe necessity of schooling(2),althoughstudy online(3)do have benefits.

【老雅修改】As vast amount of information is now available on the Internet,some people think traditional schooling will disappear in the near future because students can study at home.(4)Generally,I believe in the necessity of schools,although online learning does have benefits.

【老雅點(diǎn)評(píng)】（1）The boost of information...這個(gè)搭配不太地道；（2）schooling是教育，包括在學(xué)校的教育和在家里的教育都可稱schooling，但這里想表達(dá)的是“學(xué)校的必要性”，而不是“教育的必要性”，因此schooling宜改做“schools”；（3）study online do have benefits是一個(gè)比較大的語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤，至少應(yīng)該是studying online does have benefits。對(duì)7分作文而言，類似錯(cuò)誤一定要避免；（4）本段前兩句使用了兩個(gè)短句，這固然沒(méi)有什么語(yǔ)法問(wèn)題，但如果將這兩句合成一句，可以增加句型的多樣性。

第 2段：It is true that acquiring knowledge online is an accessible way for students to be well-informed about the world.Simply clicking the mouse,various information will be displayed to students immediately(1).It is easy for them to know the most advanced technology,the culture of a foreign country,etc.However,education is not only about absorbing useful information,but also educate students to be good members in society(2).To achieve this end,the school system should continue to be the mainstream way of education.

【老雅修改】It is true that learning online is an ideal way for students to be well-informed about the world.A few simple clicks can immediately bring various information to the students such as the most advanced technology and the culture of a foreign country(3).However,education is not just about giving students useful information,but about telling them how to become good members in the society as well.To achieve this end,the traditional school system should remain the major way of education.

【老雅點(diǎn)評(píng)】（1）“Simply clicking the mouse,various information will be displayed to students immediately.”有較嚴(yán)重的語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤。這種現(xiàn)在分詞短語(yǔ)放在句首的句子，可以增加句式的豐富性，值得鼓勵(lì)，但一定要注意，這個(gè)現(xiàn)在分詞的邏輯主語(yǔ)一定要與主句的主語(yǔ)一致。在這里，clicking the mouse的邏輯主語(yǔ)應(yīng)該是students，但后面句子的主語(yǔ)卻是various information，這就造成了語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤。有以下幾種修改策略：

A.Just clicking the mouse,the students can immediately access various information.

B.Just click the mouse,and various information will be displayed on the screen.

C.A few simple clicks of the mouse can bring various information to the students.

（2）“...education is not only about absorbing useful information,but also educate students to be good members in society.”也有比較嚴(yán)重的語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤，主要是absorb information 和educate students兩個(gè)動(dòng)詞詞組的邏輯主語(yǔ)不同，前者的主語(yǔ)是students,后者的主語(yǔ)是education，這樣就前后不一致了。可以修改為：

A....education is not only about absorbing useful information,but also trying to be good members in the society.【兩個(gè)動(dòng)詞詞組的邏輯主語(yǔ)統(tǒng)一為students】

B....education is not only about giving useful information to students,but also telling them to be good members in the society.【兩個(gè)動(dòng)詞詞組的邏輯主語(yǔ)統(tǒng)一為education】

（3）原文中的第2和第3句可以合并成為一句，請(qǐng)參看老雅修改文是如何合并的。

第 3 段：Schooling is a desirable way to improve students’ soft skills.As the world becoming increasingly competitive(1),no one will excel if he is knowledgeable butlack of(2)teamwork spirit.This can be made up by attending traditional classes anddo(3)collaborative assignments with classmates.By communicating with each other and expressing themselves,students have the opportunity to realise the importance of cooperation,andthus better themselves comprehensively(4).

【老雅修改】 School is a more desirable place for students to improve their soft skills.As the world is becoming increasingly competitive,no one without the teamwork spirit can succeed no matter how knowledge he may be.This important sense of cooperation can be developed by attending traditional classes where students can do collaborative assignments with their classmates.By communicating with each other and expressing themselves,students have the opportunity to understand the importance of cooperation,and learn how to work together with others.

【老雅點(diǎn)評(píng)】（1）As the world becoming increasingly competitive...是較嚴(yán)重的語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤，應(yīng)該是as the world is becoming increasingly competitive;（2）no one will excel if he is knowledgeable but lack of teamwork spirit中，lack一詞的用法出現(xiàn)錯(cuò)誤，lack of應(yīng)該是lacks。注意lack是及物動(dòng)詞，只有作名詞的時(shí)候才用for lack of...（因?yàn)槿鄙佟?；?）“This can be made up by attending traditional classes and do collaborative assignments with classmates.”嚴(yán)格講也是病句，do應(yīng)該為doing，與attending 并列；（4）thus better themselves comprehensively此處屬于中式英語(yǔ)表達(dá)，意思不太清楚。

第 4 段：Learning at home from Internet can not raise students’ awareness of being a moral person,which may bring about indifference to society.This is less possible to happen in a traditional school,where there are all kinds of extracurricular activity,volunteer work,for instance,to help build up their sense of responsibility to society and sympathy to others.

【老雅修改】Learning alone at home from the Internet is not a good way of fostering students’ sense of morality,which may bring about their indifference to others.However(1),this is lesslikely(2)to happen in the traditional school,where there are all kinds of extra-curricular activities,volunteer work,among others(3),to help students build up their sense of responsibility for the society and sympathy to others.

【老雅點(diǎn)評(píng)】本段錯(cuò)誤不多。（1）增加了一個(gè)however,使兩句之間的轉(zhuǎn)折關(guān)系更清楚；（2）possible 改為likely，搭配為it is less likely to happen;（3）for instance改為among others，表示列舉舉例。

第 5段：In general,although the Internet is convenient to acquire knowledge(1),I do not think schooling will disappearbecause of the meaning of education(2).Learning online can only be a complement rather than a substitute.

【老雅修改】 To conclude,although the Internet provides a more convenient way of learning things,I do not think schools will disappear because they do have a role to play in education.Learning online can only be a complement rather than a substitute.

【老雅點(diǎn)評(píng)】（1）although the Internet is convenient to acquire knowledge此處表達(dá)不清楚，主語(yǔ)和謂語(yǔ)的搭配不太合適：the Internet學(xué)習(xí)知識(shí)更方便？這顯然不合邏輯。應(yīng)該是the Internet提供了一個(gè)更方便的學(xué)習(xí)方式；（2）because of the meaning of education也不太清楚：（學(xué)校不會(huì)消失）因?yàn)榻逃囊饬x？應(yīng)該是（學(xué)校不會(huì)消失）因?yàn)閷W(xué)校在教育中有自己的功能。原文的表達(dá)過(guò)于中式思維，看起來(lái)好像是那么回事，但寫成英語(yǔ)就不清楚了。□

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