一個足球迷的虐戀

陳繼龍

四年一度的世界杯無疑是球迷們的盛宴，也會吸引一批湊熱鬧不怕被嫌棄的“偽球迷”。而對另外一些人來說，足球這項運動實在是令人難以理解：偌大的球場，一個小小的球被踢過來又踢過去，整場比賽下來，比分或許還是0比0。外行人看不出門道也就罷了，想看個熱鬧都看不成。但足球真的是一項無聊的運動嗎？當(dāng)然不是，不然也不會有那么多人為之瘋狂。讀罷此文，也許你能稍稍理解一些，真正的球迷對足球的愛是多么深沉。

Soccer is boring. One of the misconceptions non-soccer fans have about soccer fans is that we dont know this. The classic Simpsons1） parody2） of a soccer match—“Fast kickin！ Low scorin！ And ties？ You bet！”—hangs on the joke that the game puts Americans to sleep while somehow， bafflingly， driving foreigners wild with excitement. Calling the game for Springfield TV， Kent Brockman practically grinds his teeth3） with frustration： “Halfback passes to the center … back to the wing … back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it. [Huge sigh.] Holds it.” One booth over， the Spanish commentator is going nuts： “Halfback passes to the center！ Back to the wing！ Back to the center！ Center holds it！ Holds it！！ HOLDS IT?。。　?/p>

Its a great comedy bit， but its not really accurate as a depiction of soccer culture. Soccer fans know soccer is boring. Soccer fans have seen more soccer than anyone. Were aware that it can be a chore. Fire up Twitter during the average Stoke City-Wigan match and youll find us making jokes about gouging out4） our own eyes with wire hangers， about the players forgetting where the goals are， about what would happen if we released a pride5） of lions onto the pitch. （Answer： The game would still finish 0-0.）

So why do soccer fans do this？ Assuming we follow sports for something like entertainment， what do we get out of a game for which the potential for tedium is so high that some of its most famous inspirational quotes are simply about not being dull？

I keep thinking about this question lately， maybe because Ive been finding myself drawn to more and more boring games. This past weekend， I sat through6） the slow cudgeling7） death of Liverpool-Stoke. The final score was 0-0， but the final emotional score was -5. During Swanseas deliriously8） fun 3-2 upset9） of Arsenal on Sunday， I kept switching over to Athletic Bilbaos mundane 3-0 win over Levante. Why am I doing this？ I thought， as Fernando Amorebieta whuffed in a gloomy header and Levante pinned themselves into their own half. But I kept checking back.

There are two reasons， basically， why soccer lends itself to spectatorial boredom. One is that the game is mercilessly hard to play at a high level. （You know， what with10） the whole “maneuver a small ball via precisely coordinated spontaneous group movement with 10 other people on a huge field while 11 guys try to knock it away from you， and oh， by the way， you cant use your arms and hands” element.） The other is that the gameplay almost never stops—its a near-continuous flow for 45-plus minutes at a stretch， with only very occasional resets. Combine those two factors and you have a game thats uniquely adapted for long periods of play where， say， the first teams winger goes airborne11） to bring down a goal kick， but he jumps a little too soon， so the ball kind of kachunks off one side of his face， then the second teams fullback12） gets control of it， and he sees his attacking midfielder lurking unmarked in the center of the pitch， so he kludges the ball 20 yards upfield， but by the time it gets there the first teams holding midfielder has already closed him down and gone in for a rough tackle， and while the first teams attacking midfielder is rolling around on the ground the second teams right back runs onto the loose ball， only hes being harassed by two defenders， so he tries to knock it ahead and slip through them， but one of them gets a foot to it， so the ball springs up in the air … etc.， etc.， etc. Both teams have carefully worked-out tactical plans that influence everything theyre trying to do. But the gameplay is so relentless that it cant help but go through these periodic bouts13） of semi-decomposition.

But—and heres the obvious answer to the “Why are we doing this？” question—those same two qualities， difficulty and fluidity， also mean that soccer is uniquely adapted to produce moments of awesome visual beauty. Variables converge. Players discover solutions to problems it would be impossible to summarize without math. The ball springs up in the air … and comes down in just such a way that Dennis Bergkamp14） can pull off a reverse-pirouette15） flick that spins the ball around the defender and back into his own path … or Thierry Henry16） can three-touch a 40-yard pass in the air before lining it up and scoring a weak-foot roundhouse17） … or Zlatan Ibrahimovic18） can stutter-fake his way through an entire defense. In sports， pure chaos is boring. Soccer gives players more chaos to contend with19） than any other major sport. So theres something uniquely thrilling about the moments when they manage to impose their own order on it.

But I think theres more to the relationship of fans and boredom than just magic moments. I want you to like soccer if you dont already， so I probably shouldnt admit this. But the game gets in your head. Following soccer is like being in love with someone whos （a） gorgeous， （b） fascinating， （c） possibly quite evil， and （d） only occasionally aware of your existence. Theres a continuous low-grade suffering that becomes a sort of addiction in its own right. You spend all your time hoping theyll notice you， and they never do， and that unfulfilled hope feels like your only connection to them. And then one day they look your way， and its just， pow20）. And probably they just want help moving， and maybe they call you Josie instead of Julie， but still. It keeps you going. And as irrational as it sounds， you wouldnt trade this state of being for a life of quiet contentment with someone else. All you could gain would be peace of mind， and youd lose that moment when the object of your fixation looked at you and you couldnt feel your face.

Soccer is， in other words， both romantic and tragic， and the soft agony of a bad game is an inescapable part of this. You spend all your time hoping something will happen， and it never does. You get a surge of adrenaline21） every time the ball flies anywhere near the goal， and youre always disappointed. But then， every once in a while， James McFadden22） will score from 30 yards at the Parc des Princesto， giving Scotland an impossible 1-0 lead over France， and a ponderous23） game will go all kinds of nervous-breakdown crazy. And for fans its practically an out-of-body experience—not just because it was a great play， but because it was so unlikely that this match could have been graced with a great play to begin with.

So its not that a boring game is purer than an entertaining game or that theres something moral about enduring tedium （although I know fans who might make that argument）. I watch soccer to be amazed. One of my favorite books about fandom is Soccer in Sun and Shadow， by the Uruguayan writer Eduardo Galeano， whose guiding principle is “a pretty move， for the love of God.”24） But the beauty of the game matters more when you know you cant take it for granted—when it arrives， as Galeano writes， its a “miracle.” There was a moment last Sunday when I was flipping between the extremely exciting Swansea-Arsenal match and the generally-not-in-any-way-exciting Athletic-Levante match. Just as I switched over， Athletics Oscar De Marcos25）， who had previously failed to score on an easy rebound， dribbled straight through two defenders into the area， drawing the goalkeeper out to the right side of the six-yard box. Then he lofted a high cross that dropped a foot from the goal line， just inside the left post， just as the lurking Fernando Llorente26）， whod sneaked behind the defense， appeared in precisely that spot to head it into the empty net. In its weird， furtive27） way， the goal was better than the undeniable drama going on in Swansea. It was like a wink from the eye of the abyss. One of those lovely， foolish moments when you think that soccer might love you too.

足球挺無聊的。非球迷對足球迷的誤解之一就是他們以為我們不知道足球無聊?！缎疗丈患摇分杏幸欢螌ψ闱蛸惖慕?jīng)典惡搞——“踢球挺快！得分不高！踢平啦？當(dāng)然！”這段惡搞來自一句玩笑話：足球比賽會讓美國人睡著，卻莫名其妙地能讓外國人興奮得發(fā)狂。劇中肯特·布羅克曼在為春田電視臺播報比賽時幾乎是痛苦地咬著牙播報的：“后場球員傳給中場……中場傳給邊路……邊路又回傳中場。中場球員在控球，控球，[長嘆一聲]還在控球?！倍硪婚g轉(zhuǎn)播室的西班牙語解說員卻跟瘋了一樣：“后場傳給中場！中場傳給邊路！邊路回傳中場！中場球員把球拿?。∧米。?！拿?。。。　?/p>

這是一個很好的喜劇橋段，但它對足球文化的描述其實并不完全準(zhǔn)確。足球迷知道足球很無聊，他們看過的足球賽比誰都多。看足球賽可能會讓人很煩，這一點我們心知肚明。在斯托克城隊和維岡隊那場乏善可陳的比賽期間，你打開推特，就會發(fā)現(xiàn)我們在開著各種各樣的玩笑，比如真想用鐵絲衣架剜掉自己的眼睛，還有球員搞不清球門在哪里，以及要是放一群獅子到球場上會怎樣（答案：比賽結(jié)果依然會是0比0）。

那足球迷為什么喜歡看足球呢？這項運動無聊透頂，以至于與足球相關(guān)的一些最激勵人心的話僅僅說的是它不無聊。假如我們是為了娛樂這樣的目的才去關(guān)注體育，那么我們能從足球中得到些什么呢？

最近我一直在思考這個問題，也許是因為我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己被越來越多的無聊比賽所吸引。上個周末（編注：英文原文發(fā)表于2012年1月），我耐著性子看完了利物浦隊對斯托克城隊的比賽，這場比賽讓我有一種慢慢被棍棒打死的感覺。最終的比分是0比0，但我最終的情緒得分是負(fù)5分。周日，斯旺西隊以3比2意外擊敗阿森納隊的比賽可謂異常精彩，可我在看比賽時卻不停地?fù)Q臺去看畢爾巴鄂競技隊以3比0戰(zhàn)勝萊萬特隊的那場平淡無奇的比賽。我為什么要這樣做？我想道。此時費爾南多·阿莫雷別塔打進(jìn)了一個毫無威脅的頭球，而萊萬特隊始終龜縮在本方半場。但我還是一直換臺回去看。

足球之所以容易讓觀眾覺得無聊，主要有兩個原因。其中一個原因是要想踢出高水平的比賽非常難，難得近乎無情。（你知道，因為足球賽有這樣的特點：在一塊巨大的場地上，你要和其他10名球員一起，通過精確、自發(fā)的團(tuán)隊配合來控制一個小小的球，而與此同時，另外11個人都想把球搶走，還有，順帶提一下，你不能用胳膊和手。）另一個原因是比賽幾乎從不中斷——幾乎要一口氣連續(xù)踢至少45分鐘，很少有調(diào)整的機(jī)會。綜合這兩方面的原因，足球賽就極為適合以拉鋸戰(zhàn)的方式進(jìn)行了。比如，第一支球隊的邊鋒凌空躍起，想爭頂一個球門球，可他跳得稍稍早了一點，于是球“砰”的一聲從他臉側(cè)劃過，然后另一支球隊的后衛(wèi)控制了球，他看到本方進(jìn)攻型前衛(wèi)埋伏在中場無人防守，于是一腳將球踢到20碼開外的前場，但在球落地時第一支球隊的攔截型中場球員已經(jīng)將其攔下，粗野地把球搶斷下來。就在前一支球隊的進(jìn)攻型前衛(wèi)在地上翻滾之時，另一支球隊的右后衛(wèi)開始盤帶無人控制的球，但此時有兩名隊員防守，于是他試圖向前運球，從他們中間穿過去，但其中一名球員伸腳碰到球，于是球就彈到空中……如此這般。兩支球隊都認(rèn)真制定了戰(zhàn)術(shù)計劃，球員在場上所做的一切都會受到戰(zhàn)術(shù)的影響。但是比賽是無情的，難免會時不時地出現(xiàn)這樣計劃外的狀況。

但是——現(xiàn)在“我們?yōu)槭裁聪矚g看足球”這個問題的答案也很明顯了——足球難度高、變數(shù)大這兩個特征也意味著足球極為適合產(chǎn)生充滿令人驚嘆的視覺美的瞬間。各種變數(shù)會同時出現(xiàn)。球員會想出辦法來處理各種狀況，而這些狀況，除非用數(shù)學(xué)方法，否則你是沒法總結(jié)的。球彈到空中……然后落下來時恰好可以讓丹尼斯·博格坎普觸球時快速轉(zhuǎn)身，使球繞過防守隊員，再回到自己腳下；或者蒂埃里·亨利可以在接40碼的空中長傳球時三次觸球，然后調(diào)整到最佳位置，逆足射出一記弧線球得分；再或者茲拉坦·伊布拉希莫維奇可以用一連串的假動作騙過所有防守隊員。在體育運動中，單純的混亂是無聊的，而在足球比賽中，球員需要面對的混亂狀況比其他任何一項大型運動都要多。因此，當(dāng)球員們能做到照著自己的節(jié)奏來踢球時，足球就顯示出了它最激動人心的一面。

不過，我認(rèn)為讓球迷可以忍受無聊的因素并不僅僅在于比賽的精彩時刻。如果你還不是球迷，我希望你能喜歡足球，所以或許我不該承認(rèn)這點，但足球是一種讓你魂牽夢繞的運動。癡迷足球就像愛上了這樣一個人，這個人一來長得好看，二來魅力四射，三來可能會很邪惡，四來經(jīng)常無視你的存在。這是一個不斷遭受輕度折磨的過程，而這種折磨本身又會讓你對它產(chǎn)生依賴感。你無時無刻不在期望他們能注意到你，可他們從來沒有，這一未能實現(xiàn)的愿望似乎成了你和他們之間唯一的聯(lián)系。然后有一天，他們朝你這邊看了一眼，于是——砰！也許他們只是想找人幫忙搬家，也許他們把你的名字朱莉叫成了喬西，但你還是覺得很帶勁。這讓你能繼續(xù)堅持下去。盡管這聽起來有些荒謬，但你不愿放棄這種狀態(tài)來換取跟另一個人度過安靜而滿足的一生。那樣的話，你得到的將只是內(nèi)心的安寧，而你失去的是你癡迷的對象對你的驚鴻一瞥，那個讓你觸電般的瞬間。

換句話說，足球既蘊(yùn)含浪漫情調(diào)也帶有悲劇色彩，因比賽糟糕而內(nèi)心隱隱作痛的感覺是其不可避免的一部分。你用所有的時間來期待某些事情發(fā)生，可卻總是事與愿違。每當(dāng)球飛到球門附近，你都會血脈僨張，但結(jié)果卻總讓你失望。然而也有些時候，詹姆斯·麥克法登會在王子公園球場從30碼開外一記射門，令蘇格蘭隊不可思議地以1比0領(lǐng)先法國隊，一場原本沉悶的比賽立刻讓人無比緊張和瘋狂起來。對于球迷來說，這簡直就是一次靈魂出竅的體驗——并不僅僅因為那腳精彩的射門，還因為這場比賽竟然會有如此精彩的一幕，這原本就令人難以置信。

所以，并不是說無聊的比賽比精彩的比賽更為純粹，或者說忍受比賽的無聊有什么道義上的優(yōu)越性（盡管我知道有些球迷可能持有這種觀點）。我看足球就是為了驚喜。我最喜歡的一本關(guān)于球迷的書是烏拉圭作家埃德瓦爾多·加萊亞諾的《太陽與陰影中的足球》。他看球的方針是“看在上帝的分上，踢得漂亮些吧”。不過，只有你懂得比賽的精彩并非理所當(dāng)然，它才顯得更為重要——正如加萊亞諾所寫的那樣，當(dāng)精彩的比賽出現(xiàn)時，那是一個“奇跡”。上周日，我在精彩萬分的斯旺西隊對阿森納隊比賽和無論怎樣也談不上精彩的畢爾巴鄂競技隊對萊萬特隊比賽之間來回調(diào)換頻道，當(dāng)時就有一個瞬間。正當(dāng)我換臺過去時，競技隊之前曾錯失一次接反彈球輕松得分機(jī)會的奧斯卡·德馬科斯帶球徑直穿過兩名防守隊員進(jìn)入禁區(qū)，迫使守門員棄門而出，來到六碼區(qū)的右側(cè)。然后，他將球挑高橫傳，球正好落在球門左側(cè)立柱附近距離球門線一英尺的位置，這時埋伏在此的費爾南多·略倫特已經(jīng)偷偷繞到防守隊員身后，適時精確地出現(xiàn)在那個位置，將球頂入了空門。這粒神不知鬼不覺的怪異進(jìn)球比斯旺西隊那場比賽更加好看，盡管不可否認(rèn)那場比賽也有其戲劇性。那仿佛是漆黑的深淵朝你眨了眨眼睛，在那個美妙的瞬間，你會傻乎乎地想，或許足球也是愛你的。