雅思習作評改系列（一）：基本語言錯誤如何毀掉一篇作文？

文/唐老雅

在多年的雅思寫作教學過程中，老雅發(fā)現(xiàn)眾多烤鴨面臨一個難解的尷尬局面：自己練習寫了很多作文，但寫作水平卻不見實質性提升，最后考試成績依然維持在以前的檔次。這其實就涉及作文修改的問題。老雅的基本觀點是：烤鴨寫完習作后，一定要請行家修改自己的作文，指出問題及改進的辦法。在這里，“行家”就顯得尤其重要：如果修改僅僅發(fā)生在語言表達層面，而沒有涉及思維層面，那么學生通過修改收獲的進步一定非常有限。為此，老雅準備從本期開始，推出“雅思習作評改系列”，每期精選一篇有典型意義的學生習作，詳細加以修改點評，希望讀者能從老雅的修改中得到有益的啟發(fā)。本期給各位烤鴨準備的話題是關于“化學物質用于食品生產(chǎn)和保存的優(yōu)劣”。

題目：

Do the dangers derived from the use of chemicals in food production and preservation outweigh the advantages?

學生習作：

It has been claimed that people use several chemicals in the process of production and preservation.My view is that the disadvantages of using chemicals far outweigh the advantages.

It cannot be denied that people are more likely to use chemicals as a way to extend the time of food preservation, because it can help businessman gain more profits.For example, some agricultural products like vegetables and fruits are easily to become stale when they experience long-term transportation.If not adding some chemicals ingredients to protect food, merchants will suffer great economic damages.

However, there are several disadvantages of over-use chemicals.One the one hand, some of the chemicals ingredients cannot be resoled by digest system,which could effects human health.If chemicals remain in people body for a long time, it may cause diseases like cardiovascular, stomachache or lung disease etc.One the other hand, remain chemicals’ elements also damage natural environment.Some farmers use pesticides to protect agricultural products from destroying by harmful insects.However, the remains that cannot resole by ecosystem may pollute surrounding water and soil.To a large extent, if animal drink the water or eat the food, the may died by those poison food.What’s more, in the process of producing food, the contaminants that are made by factories directly pour into rivers, also cause habitat destruction, in this way, it account for the loss of biodiversity.

In conclusion, my view is that the disadvantages of this trend far outweigh advantages.If people control the use of chemicals, we will become healthier and also can enhance the human condition.

評分：按照雅思寫作評分標準的四個方面，老雅給本習作的評分如下——Task response: 6.5; Coherence: 6.5; Vocabulary: 5.5; Grammar: 5.5——Overall: 6。

總體評價：內容沒有很大問題，相當通順，邏輯和觀點都比較清楚，但出現(xiàn)了一些基本的語法錯誤和用詞錯誤，拉低了得分，相當遺憾！

建議：確保簡單句子不出錯誤，用詞方面一定要確保表達思想，不一定復雜。

逐句修改：

第1段：It has been claimed thatpeople use several chemicals in the process of production and preservation.My view is that the disadvantages of using chemicals far outweigh the advantages.

【老雅修改】It has been claimed by many that there is nothing wrong using chemicals in food production and preservation.My view, however, is that the disadvantages of using chemicals far outweigh its advantages.

【老雅點評】it has been claimed...后面應該接一個觀點，但原文不是一個觀點，只是一種現(xiàn)象。

第2段：It cannot be denied that people are more likely to use chemicals as a way to extend the time of food preservation, because it can helpbusinessman(1)gain more profits.For example, some agricultural products like vegetables and fruits areeasily(2)to become stale when they experience long-term transportation.If not adding some chemicals ingredients(3)to protect food, merchants will suffer greateconomic damages(4).

【老雅修改】It cannot be denied that people are more likely to use chemicals as a way to extend the time of food preservation, because it can help businessmen gain more profits.For example, some agricultural products like vegetables and fruits are easy to become stale when they experience long-term transportation.Without some chemical ingredients to protect them, merchants will suffer heavy economic losses.

【老雅點評】本段錯誤不多，稍微改正，感覺可以沖7分了。（1）businessman是單數(shù)，此處宜作復數(shù)；（2）vegetables and fruits are easily to become stale...中的easily是副詞，這里宜用形容詞easy或者vegetables and fruits easily become stale...；（3）if not adding some chemical ingredients...是非常典型的中式表達，相當于“不如不添加一些化學成分”，但其實最合適的英文表達是without some chemical ingredients（如果沒有一些化學成分）；（4）economic damages表達不合適，宜為economic losses。

第3段：However, there are several disadvantages ofover-use chemicals(1).One the one hand,some of the chemicals ingredients(2)cannot be resoled bydigest system(3), which couldeffects(4)human health.If chemicals remain inpeople body(5)for a long time,it(6)may cause diseases like cardiovascular, stomachache or lung disease.One the other hand,remain chemicals’ elements(7)also damage natural environment.Some farmers use pesticides toprotect agricultural products from destroying by harmful insects(8).However, the remains thatcannot resole(9)by ecosystem may pollute surrounding water and soil.To a large extent, if animal drink the water or eat the food,they may died by those poison food(10).What’s more, in the process of producing food,the contaminants that are made by factories directly pour into rivers(11),also cause habitat destruction, in this way, it accountfor the loss of biodiversity(12).

【老雅修改】However, there are several disadvantages of over-using chemicals.One the one hand, some chemicals cannot be resolved by digestive system, and cause harmful effects on human health.If chemicals remain in our body for a long time,they may lead to diseases like cardiovascular, stomachache or lung disease.On the other hand, chemicals also damage natural environment.For instance, some farmers use pesticides to protect agricultural products from harmful insects.However, the remains that cannot be resolved by ecosystem may pollute surrounding water and soil.If animals drink the water or eat the food, they may be poisoned.What’s more, in the process of producing food, the contaminants made by factories are directly poured into rivers, and cause habitat destruction, which accounts for the loss of biodiversity.

【老雅點評】這個段落原文共143個單詞、8個句子，卻出現(xiàn)了多達12個基本語言錯誤！這樣的作文，就算思想再深刻，得分也不可能高于6分。（1）over-use chemicals應為over using chemicals，或者chemical over-use（把over-use當作名詞使用）；（2）some of the chemicals ingredients應為some chemicals。some of the...指某一范圍內的“一些”，some...則沒有限定范圍；（3）digest system應為digestive system（消化系統(tǒng)）；（4）effects應為affect（影響）；（5）people body應為our body；（6）it應為they，這里代詞指代的是前文的復數(shù)chemicals，代詞使用是中國英語學習者的一個很大的難題，經(jīng)常出現(xiàn)錯誤；（7）remain chemicals’ elements似乎想表達“殘留的化學成分”，但完全不符合規(guī)范，不如直接說“化學物質”（chemicals），考試中不要試圖去表達不會表達的內容；（8）protect agricultural products from destroying by harmful insects應為 protect agricultural products from being destroyed by harmful insects，或者更簡潔的protect agricultural products from harmful insects；（9）cannot resolve應為被動語態(tài)cannot be resolved；（10）they may died by those poison food應為 they may die from those poisoned food，但前文提及water和food，因而這里僅說poisoned food也不合適，因此宜改為they may be poisoned；（11）the contaminants that are made by factories directly pour into rivers中，主語是the contaminants，謂語是pour into rivers，兩者是被動關系，因此應該是the contaminants made by factories are directly poured into rivers；（12）in this way, it account for the loss of biodiversity中it指代不明。

第4段：In conclusion, my view is that the disadvantages of this trend far outweigh advantages.Ifpeoplecontrol the use of chemicals,wewill become healthier and also can enhancethe human condition.

【老雅修改】In conclusion, the disadvantages of chemical use in food production and preservation far outweigh the advantages.Though it helps increase profits for businesses, it may cause great dangers to our life as well as the environment.If we control the use of chemicals, we will become healthier and our living conditions will also be improved.

【老雅點評】結尾沒有總結出全文觀點，修改文粗體字增加了一句總結觀點。最后一句中，people、we、the human condition不停轉換，代詞游離不定，讓人著急，可以統(tǒng)一為第一人稱。